God Keeps His Promises

Today is a special day for me.

Not only is it my sister's birthday (I prayed for a sister every night when I was 5 years old), but I just finished the last final exam of my college career (assuming I don't go back for my Master's someday). As I walked into my apartment the other night, I was welcomed by these pictures my kids made in Sunday School about a year ago.



Yes, they have been hanging in the same spot for a year, and yes, I have looked at them every single day. But this particular night as I anticipated the end of my college career, I actually saw the pictures. I was suddenly overwhelmed with the reality that God does keep His promises. Since that night, I've stopped to reflect on His promises in my life.

Two years ago when I was in the hospital recovering from second and third degree burns, I was given a calendar with scriptures for each day of the year. One of the verses that stayed with me was Deuteronomy 31:8.

"The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.”

God didn't promise that my life will always be easy. In fact, Jesus said the exact opposite in John 16:33.

“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”

So even though I'm guaranteed to have trouble in this world, I can hold onto the promise that my Savior will never leave me. And for the last year and a half, as I've muddled my way through the chaos of being a single mom who works and goes to school full-time, I've felt His presence every step of the way. Sometimes we walked side by side. Other times, I ran ahead and He had to gently pull me back to His side. But most of the time, He carried me because I was too exhausted to walk on my own.

The realization of how far I've come hit me today. My hope in His promises has been the only thing that sustained me over the last couple years.

What promises are you clinging to today? If you're placing your hope in the promises this world has to offer, there is nothing but disappointment waiting around the bend. Put your hope in the One who keeps His promises, and He will never leave you or forsake you. Take heart, and don't be discouraged. He has overcome the world!

Remember your word to your servant,

for you have given me hope.

My comfort in my suffering is this:

Your promise preserves my life.

Psalm 119:49-50

Where's Your Hope?

Well, I've done it again. I thought I had it all figured out. I was on top of it. I knew better than that.

Have you ever put your hope in somone who let you down? Maybe you hoped they wouldn't disappoint you. Or you hoped they would change. Perhaps you hoped they would surprise you in some way. If your story is like mine, your hopes were crushed...not once, not twice, but over and over again. Maybe it wasn't even the same person each time. But somewhere along the way, we've all been disappointed when we allowed someone else to hold our fragile hopes in their hands.

I can't figure out why I do this to myself. I know there's only one place I can put my hope and never expect disappointment: in Jesus Christ. Yet, for some reason, I look for someone tangible. I hope for a divine reassurance from earthly beings. And what's even worse is the fact that I expect a different outcome when putting my hope in the hands of people and things who continually disappoint.

I'm learning. Slowly but surely, God is teaching me to continually hope in HIM! Thanks to an amazing message series by John Blythe at Living Hope, I'm being reminded once again. The only way I'll avoid disppointment on this earth is by placing my hope in the One who provided me with a living hope.

"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! In his great mercy he has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead..." 1 Peter 1:3

This old hymn states it well:

My hope is built on nothing less
Than Jesus’ blood and righteousness.
I dare not trust the sweetest frame,
But wholly trust in Jesus’ Name.


When darkness seems to hide His face,
I rest on His unchanging grace.
In every high and stormy gale,
My anchor holds within the veil.


On Christ the solid Rock I stand,
All other ground is sinking sand;
All other ground is sinking sand.

In His Time...

What gain has the worker from his toil? I have seen the business that God has given to the children of man to be busy with. He has made everything beautiful in its time. Also, he has put eternity into man’s heart, yet so that he cannot find out what God has done from the beginning to the end. I perceived that there is nothing better for them than to be joyful and to do good as long as they live; also that everyone should eat and drink and take pleasure in all his toil—this is God’s gift to man.  Ecclesiastes 3:9-13

"Sometimes, it's hard to see how God can make this beautiful again."

These are the words my wise, sweet, younger sister spoke to me as I was facing the most difficult season of my life last year. With a divorce on the horizon, the responsibility of four children, and plans to start back to college, I felt like my life was far from beautiful--it was a complete mess. I had no savings, no steady income, and was in debt up to my eyeballs. I was stressed, depressed, and exhausted. Completely overwhelmed at the thought of starting over on my own, I decided the only way to do it was to jump in head first.

I did just that--moved into a new place, started school, started a new job, and just started plugging away at life. It has been a year full of changes. I've kept my schedule completely booked, not allowing myself think too far ahead for fear of becoming overwhelmed. I've had to face my life one day at a time...one hour at a time...sometimes even one minute at a time.

As my college career will be coming to an end in the next few months, I've had to face the fact that there will be more changes ahead. I've had to read through my blogs to remind myself of the things God taught me about seasons over the last year so I will be ready to face the new one. And suddenly, I remembered the words of my sister.

Sometimes, it's still hard to see the big picture and figure out how God can piece my life back together and make it beautiful. When I think back to where I was last year and where I am today, not much has changed on the outside. I still live in the same apartment above my parents. I'm still running a mile a minute to keep up with my crazy schedule. I still struggle to balance work, school, and kids. But when I look at the work God has done in my heart, I'm overwhelmed with gratitude! Not only has He shown me how to depend on Him for my every need, He has helped me to overcome anger and bitterness, shown me how to forgive, and given me a joy I've never experienced. He has given me pleasure in all my toil, and just like verse 13 of Ecclesiastes 3 says, I honestly feel like it has been a gift from God. Without the goals I've been pursuing in front of me, I may have crumbled under the pressures of life.

Through all the trials of the last year, I've learned it's not my outward circumstances that produce joy or beauty in my life. It's only through God's peace and blessings that I will ever feel like my life is truly beautiful and, even then, I will always be a work in progress.

As this chapter of my life comes to a close and I face uncertainties once again, I will remind myself to trust Him. As I look for a place to live, search for a new job, take on new responsibilities, and continue being Mama to four precious kids, I will trust that He has a plan. And above all, I will remember that He makes all things beautiful in HIS time.



Not once, but twice...

Well, it's that time of year again. While we all get nostalgic at Thanksgiving or Christmas, this time of year brings about very special feelings of nostalgia for me. I have two reasons to be thankful at the end of February and the beginning of March.

The first reason is big. February 24th...a day I will never forget...because on this day my youngest son was born. Not that a mama would ever forget the day of her child's birth, but this one was divinely orchestrated. The questions and uncertainties which led up to that day faded the moment I heard his cry. Little Jayden Logan--my son from the moment he was conceived--spent nine months in the womb of another woman. However, the instant I held him in my arms I knew what unconditional love was all about. This tiny boy didn't share my genes or grow in my womb, but I loved him the same as my other three children instantly. The only explanation is that God orchestrated a miracle. Why He chose me to be Jayden's mama, I will never understand. I make mistakes every single day. I feel completely inadequate for this job God has called me to do--not just once--but four times!

As I was snuggling with Jayden earlier and reminding him he would be five tomorrow, I apologized for all the times I've messed up. I told him I wish there was an instruction book on how to be a perfect mommy. His response? "God can make you one!" After I picked my jaw up off the ground, I stammered, "You're right, Jayden. God can fix all the stuff I mess up." It's not about me or my skills as a mother. It's about God and what HE can do through me and in spite of me. The fact that God spoke to me through Jayden's sweet, raspy voice is even more confirmation that God's plan was for him to complete this crazy little family.

The second reason for my thankfulness is even bigger. March 10th...also a day I will never forget...but for a very different reason. This day is literally burned in my memory (and on my arm). This was the day Jayden started a fire in my closet two years ago. While it was the scariest and most painful thing I've ever experienced, I can't help but remember that day with thanksgiving in my heart. God gave Jayden to me again on March 10th, 2009. The events of that day could have been very different. Just a few more seconds and there's a good chance I wouldn't have been able to get to Jayden in time to pull him from the fire. For months I had nightmares about what would have happened if Hunter hadn't discovered the fire when he did. The "what ifs" were relentless in their haunting.

So tomorrow I will celebrate Jayden's birth and life. And here I sit with memories washing over me--some sweet, some joyful, some sad, and some scary. Through all the nostalgic emotions, the one that emerges at the top is thankfulness in its purest form. I didn't deserve to be Jayden's mom. I didn't do anything worthy of that honor. Yet God blessed me with his little life...not once, but twice.

For that, I am eternally grateful.

25 things I've learned this year...

My sweet sister reminded me the other day that it had been a while since my last blog, so I decided to sit down before bed tonight and share some thoughts. I always have random thoughts bouncing around in my head...it just takes some discipline to record them.

Lately, I've been making a mental list of the things I've learned in the last year. Some are big, some are small...but all of these things are helping me (in some way) to become a better version of myself.

1. When I have a full schedule, I'm more productive.
2. I spend more time dreading a project than it takes to actually complete a project. (I think I'm finally getting a handle on this one. I just force myself to sit and write a paper before I let myself worry about it. It's much easier this way.)
3. I can function on as little as 4 hours of sleep. Getting more than 7 hours makes me sleepier somehow.
4. Contrary to what I've thought my whole life, I actually like running.
5. I have the best family in the world. If you're not in my family, you should be jealous. :-) JK.
6. Men who LEAD are a rare gift from God.
7. Sisters (including in-laws) are the best secret keepers.
8. Friends that will help you with laundy or hold your hair back when you're sick are the best kind. These are the friendships that never change with distance or time.
9. Age really IS just a number.
10. Apparently, I can pass for 22. Sweet!
11. Forgiveness isn't for the benefit of the forgivEE but the forgivER.
12. Churches that want to be social clubs are common. Churches that want to SERVE are few and far between.
13. The more I learn, the more I realize how much I DON'T KNOW.
14. Writing is therapeutic for me.
15. God puts certain people in our lives at certain times for a certain purpose. I believe this with all my heart.
16. I don't have to see eye-to-eye with you to be your friend. Variety is the spice of life.
17. I don't always think before I speak. (Workin' on this one.)
18. I love learning.
19. I hate being tested on my knowledge.
20. Music inspires me more than anything else in this world.
21. My mom is the most unselfish person I know.
22. Brothers are great to hang out with when you need a laugh.
23. Photography is a passion for me. Being too busy to get behind the camera much has made me realize this.
24. I'm attracted to people who make me laugh.
25. I like who I am--with all my baggage and mess. It's only THROUGH HIM and because of HIS grace that I am what I am.


Well, it's just a start. I'm still a mess. I'm still learning and growing. I can't wait to see what God teaches me in the next 12 months!

Chasing the Wind

I denied myself nothing my eyes desired;
I refused my heart no pleasure.
My heart took delight in all my labor,
and this was the reward for all my toil.
Yet when I surveyed all that my hands had done
and what I had toiled to achieve,
everything was meaningless, a chasing after the wind;
nothing was gained under the sun.
Ecclesiastes 2:10-11

Yesterday, while I was at work, I got a call from the school nurse. I expected to hear that Mason was in her office complaining of a headache. He's typically the one that visits the nurse hoping to get out of school. Well, much to my surprise, she said it was Hunter in her office with a temperature of 102. I started making calls to find someone who could pick him up, because I didn't want to leave work. This is my last week of working full-time since I start back to school on Tuesday, and I've been enjoying those full-time paychecks. :-)

Well, no one was available. Both grandmas were tied up for the day. Uncle Chad was an hour away picking up materials for a job. I knew pregnant Aunt Sunni didn't need a sick kid around. And Daddy was at work, of course.

It suddenly hit me that there might be a Master Plan behind the timing of Hunter's sickness. My life is so crazy right now with work, school, homework, kids, church, friends, family...WHEW! Sometimes, I think my kids feel lost in the shuffle that I call my LIFE. It crossed my mind that maybe Hunter just really needed me. Maybe he needed to know I wouldn't let him down when it came to the important stuff.

When I got to the school, Hunter was headed down the hallway toward the bathroom. When he returned to the office, he looked pathetic. Poor guy was burning up and had the saddest eyes I've seen in a long time. As we got in the car, he said, "When I left to go to the bathroom, I was thinking 'Maybe Mom will be here when I get back.'"

The nurse had asked him if he lived with his mom and dad, but he had to tell her we were divorced. (Hunter usually calls it "the D-Word", so I was surprised he even said the word out loud.) He had to tell her that both his mom and dad were working, and as he told me all of this in the car, I teared up. It broke my heart. I realized he had no idea who would be coming to get him.

So...my crazy notion that maybe God had a plan in this wasn't silly after all. Over the next few minutes, I was able to chat with Hunter about lots of stuff...divorce, our busy life, and the fact that I would always be there when he needed me.

I read through the first several chapters of Ecclesiastes this morning and it just hit me that I spend most of my time chasing after the wind. I work as many hours as I can and feel guilty if I ever take off. I put in too many hours on school work so my grades don't fall below a 90. I'm so concerned with securing that perfect job when I finish school that I put in extra hours at clubs and meetings. I run here and there trying to entertain myself. I do everything I can to make sure I never disappoint anyone. I'm so proud of myself when I accomplish everything on my list. But what good is it? According to God's Word, it's all meaningless.

God forced me to take a break yesterday and recognize the things in my life that do have meaning. My paycheck may be a little less this week, but the special time I had with Hunter was priceless.

Lord, help me to stop chasing the wind....

Beauty That Doesn't Fade

I have this rare "condition" where my mind is always painting pictures. If I'm talking to someone on the phone, I picture where they are even if I have no idea what their surroundings look like. When I read a book, I have snapshots in my head of what each character looks like. I even get an image in my mind when I answer the phone at work and talk to a complete stranger. I don't know if this is normal, but maybe it's partly why I became a photographer. I always have obscure snapshots in my head anyway, so I may as well capture the real stuff on camera, too. :-)

Have you ever imagined a snapshot of the Proverbs 31 woman? Well, I have. I'm a little ashamed to admit that after reading the passage over and over this morning, my picture of her is way off base. I imagined her to be a bit of a robust woman who scurried around her house cooking and cleaning and tending to her children. I saw her as a reserved, respectful woman who quietly did anything her husband or children asked of her. I imagined her to be a bit matronly--not stunningly gorgeous--but I figured what she lacked in beauty she made up for in character.

Honestly...is that the vision in your head or am I the only one? I spent some time this morning reading Proverbs 31 in several different translations and guess what?! The image in my mind was totally inaccurate!

Look at this list of her character traits:

Trustworthy (her husband trusts her)
Hard Worker (works with willing hands)
Early Riser (rises while it is still night)
Meal Provider (provides food for her house)
Business Woman (buys fields, makes linen garments and sells them)
Saver of Money (plants fields with her savings)
Night Owl (her lamp does not go out at night)
Seamstress (makes her own clothes and linens)
Generous (gives to poor and needy)
Strong and Dignified (dresses herself with these traits)
Sense of Humor (laughs at the time to come)
Wise (opens her mouth with wisdom)
Kind (teaching of kindness is on her tongue)
Manages House Well (looks well to all the ways of her household)
Productive (does not eat the bread of idleness)

What a list!

Now, verse 30 is my favorite:
"Charm is deceptive, and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised."

In the past, I assumed this verse meant that the woman described in these passages wasn't beautiful. I thought it was saying "It's okay that this woman isn't pretty because she fears the Lord, and that's more important." When I read this passage today, it hit me in a different way.

Suddenly, I'm picturing her as a beautifully charming woman with a face and figure that any woman would love to have. I imagine her with long, flowing hair, a breathtaking complexion, and a smile that lights up a room. I see her as a bit enchanting but modest and virtuous. However, these things don't matter! Her husband and children call her blessed because of her character, not because of her beauty! She may be the most beautiful woman in the world, but her beauty is not her focus.

I'm praying that someday I will be a woman like this. I want to be a woman who possesses this amazing list of attributes. But even more than that, I want to be a woman who is more concerned with my spiritual life and character than my outer beauty.

"Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as elaborate hairstyles and the wearing of gold jewelry or fine clothes. Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight." 1 Peter 3:3-4

Another Roller Coaster Drop...

You know what? I really don't like blogging. You might think I'm joking, but I'm not. Oh...I like writing. In fact, I love putting my thoughts on paper. I like organizing ideas into a neat little story. I enjoy looking back at what I've written and seeing how far I've come or how far I've fallen from where I used to be. It's a way to keep myself accountable.


What I don't like is posting it here for all to see. Vulnerability makes me queasy. Seriously. Every time I click the "post" button my stomach drops like I'm coming down the steepest hill on a roller coaster. Even now, as I type, my hands are a bit shaky. Most of the time, God lays things on my heart while I'm writing, so I never really know exactly how my blog will end. That, in itself, is a bit unnerving.


Well, today is no different. There are several things that have been on my heart lately, so as of this very  moment I'm just praying for direction. As much as it makes me squirm, I've realized God has called me to a season of vulnerability. Those who know me best know that I hate being emotional. For me to post my innermost thoughts for anyone to read is nothing short of a miracle. But if God has called me to do this, then I have faith there is a reason.


I actually had some quiet time this morning. I am the world's worst about making excuses for why I can't read my Bible in the morning...but mostly I blame it on having four kids to get out the door by 7 a.m. Today, after dropping the kids off at school, I decided I was going to stop by Starbucks for a grande white mocha (my weakness) and realized if I could make time for coffee then I really should make time for God. I tucked myself into a corner of the store, put some music in my ears, opened my Bible, and sipped my coffee.


There were two passages that stuck out to me today, so that's the direction this blog is headed now. :-) The first one is in a chapter of Galatians that was a huge comfort to me last year at this time. I was facing the most difficult decision of my life and praying for truth to be revealed. I read chapter 5 of Galatians and felt God speaking to my heart. I had spent years trying to maintain an outward appearance of "spiritual" by adhering to a set of rules. I was in bondage. Suddenly, it was like I couldn't breathe. I felt as if I might die if I didn't get out from under the confusion that was my life.


In order to understand the power in theses verses you have to read the whole chapter, but I'm going to highlight one of my favorites.


"You who are trying to be justified by the law have been alienated from Christ; you have fallen away from grace." Galatians 5:4


Last January, I realized I had fallen from grace. I was tired of doing the song and dance...tired of maintaining appearances that meant absolutely nothing. I wanted the life I lived to be genuine...even if it looked like a total mess on the outside. I dove in head first and made some serious adjustments. I'm still so far from where I need to be, and my life still looks like a mess from the outside. But you know what? I'm okay with that because I know God is working in my heart to make me exactly what He wants me to be! I'm continually praying that I won't fall from grace again but will instead be confident standing in His grace.


"And in this I give advice: It is to your advantage not only to be doing what you began and were desiring to do a year ago; but now you also must complete the doing of it..." 2 Corinthians 8:10


Wow. This one hit me right between the eyes this morning. I thought back to what I was desiring to do a year ago and started going over the list in my head. Have I completed the things I started or were they empty desires with no intentions of completion? There are definitely several things that I've at least begun to complete. But there are always those nagging ideas in the back of my head that I'm waiting to accomplish "someday." My family and friends know a few of these desires and continually encourage me to make them happen. So far I've been satisfied with the excuses I've given for not accomplishing these things, but I refuse to be content with excuses anymore.


One thing I've learned in my advertising and marketing classes is that strategy is everything. To implement any new idea you need a plan--a media strategy, a marketing strategy, a creative strategy--or your efforts will be pointless. Well, I've decided I need to implement that concept into my personal life as well. I need to design a plan, focus on my strategy for the next year, and then make it happen. I'm the worst planner and organizer EVER, but I'm not letting another year go by without tackling a few of these projects.

I'm keeping it secret for now...but I'll let you know in 2012 how it's coming. :-)

Oh...and thanks for reading my rambling thoughts. I'm blessed by your comments and emails more than you will ever know.

One-One-Eleven

Well, it's 2011--the beginning of a new year and a new decade. For me, it's a year of anticipation...the year I'm hoping things will finally "come together" as I close the chapter on one of my toughest years yet.

By July, I should be a college graduate. It's hard to believe that I started back to school a whole year ago. When I think back to the uncertain, self-conscious girl that walked into those college classrooms last January, it's hard to believe that was me. In the past year I have learned so much about who I am, but most of all I learned that I actually like me! I figured out that confidence comes from actually liking yourself. Sometimes you have to make tough decisions and face uncomfortable changes to get there, but it's always worth it in the end.

With this college degree, I hope to secure a job in the advertising field. The idea of doing something that I love and that I think I actually have some talent for really excites me. The unknown is always scary to me, though, so I'm praying now that God will gently ease me into this new career. I am confident that He will put me exactly where I need to be!

I'm also anticipating a move sometime in the next several months. I'm so thankful to my parents for providing me with an awesome apartment above their house where the kids and I have been able stay while I finish school, but I'm realizing our time will be coming to an end soon. We've had our ups and downs here, but for 10 people to be living in the same place, we have done GREAT! I know the kids and I will look back on this time with really fond memories, so I'm going to try to savor our last few months here.

This month is also the anniversary of the biggest, scariest change of my life. Sometimes I'm not sure how I survived the last year...but then I look at the family and friends surrounding me, and it's obvious. I've spent the last year crying on so many shoulders (and you all know who you are). Thank you for your love, encouragement, and listening ears. I would have been lost without you!

One of the best things that came out of my struggles this past year was the rebuilding of relationships with my family...especially my sisters. When I was five years old, I prayed and prayed for a baby sister, and God blessed me with Amy Jo. Being at different stages of life, combined with other circumstances, had somehow caused me to put our relationship on the back burner. It wasn't until I was really hurting that I realized how much I needed her...and she was waiting with open arms. The blessing of our working together still overwhelms me sometimes. It's like God is letting us make up for the time we missed. I'm so thankful for the time we have together and for the things I learn by watching her. She is wise beyond her years. I love you, Amy Jo.

Estania came to America when I was 23. I remember feeling like we would never have that "sisterly bond" because we didn't live together. I watched as she got close to Amy Jo and felt like I was missing out. I just assumed we would never relate to each other on that level. Well, here I am living above her and getting to know her in a totally new way. We can girl talk and giggle and share make-up and clothes. I feel just as close to her as I do Amy Jo, and I learn just as much by watching her. I am so proud of the confident, beautiful girl she has become. I'm also very thankful for her willingness to help me with the kids anytime I need her. And I'm so thankful to God for providing us with an atmosphere to cultivate our relationship. I love you, and I'm so proud of you, Estania! Good stuff can come out of difficult circumstances!

"I thank my God every time I remember you..." Philippians 1:3

Looking forward to the new things God will teach me in 2011!

"Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland." Isaiah 43:18-19