Chasing the Wind

I denied myself nothing my eyes desired;
I refused my heart no pleasure.
My heart took delight in all my labor,
and this was the reward for all my toil.
Yet when I surveyed all that my hands had done
and what I had toiled to achieve,
everything was meaningless, a chasing after the wind;
nothing was gained under the sun.
Ecclesiastes 2:10-11

Yesterday, while I was at work, I got a call from the school nurse. I expected to hear that Mason was in her office complaining of a headache. He's typically the one that visits the nurse hoping to get out of school. Well, much to my surprise, she said it was Hunter in her office with a temperature of 102. I started making calls to find someone who could pick him up, because I didn't want to leave work. This is my last week of working full-time since I start back to school on Tuesday, and I've been enjoying those full-time paychecks. :-)

Well, no one was available. Both grandmas were tied up for the day. Uncle Chad was an hour away picking up materials for a job. I knew pregnant Aunt Sunni didn't need a sick kid around. And Daddy was at work, of course.

It suddenly hit me that there might be a Master Plan behind the timing of Hunter's sickness. My life is so crazy right now with work, school, homework, kids, church, friends, family...WHEW! Sometimes, I think my kids feel lost in the shuffle that I call my LIFE. It crossed my mind that maybe Hunter just really needed me. Maybe he needed to know I wouldn't let him down when it came to the important stuff.

When I got to the school, Hunter was headed down the hallway toward the bathroom. When he returned to the office, he looked pathetic. Poor guy was burning up and had the saddest eyes I've seen in a long time. As we got in the car, he said, "When I left to go to the bathroom, I was thinking 'Maybe Mom will be here when I get back.'"

The nurse had asked him if he lived with his mom and dad, but he had to tell her we were divorced. (Hunter usually calls it "the D-Word", so I was surprised he even said the word out loud.) He had to tell her that both his mom and dad were working, and as he told me all of this in the car, I teared up. It broke my heart. I realized he had no idea who would be coming to get him.

So...my crazy notion that maybe God had a plan in this wasn't silly after all. Over the next few minutes, I was able to chat with Hunter about lots of stuff...divorce, our busy life, and the fact that I would always be there when he needed me.

I read through the first several chapters of Ecclesiastes this morning and it just hit me that I spend most of my time chasing after the wind. I work as many hours as I can and feel guilty if I ever take off. I put in too many hours on school work so my grades don't fall below a 90. I'm so concerned with securing that perfect job when I finish school that I put in extra hours at clubs and meetings. I run here and there trying to entertain myself. I do everything I can to make sure I never disappoint anyone. I'm so proud of myself when I accomplish everything on my list. But what good is it? According to God's Word, it's all meaningless.

God forced me to take a break yesterday and recognize the things in my life that do have meaning. My paycheck may be a little less this week, but the special time I had with Hunter was priceless.

Lord, help me to stop chasing the wind....

Beauty That Doesn't Fade

I have this rare "condition" where my mind is always painting pictures. If I'm talking to someone on the phone, I picture where they are even if I have no idea what their surroundings look like. When I read a book, I have snapshots in my head of what each character looks like. I even get an image in my mind when I answer the phone at work and talk to a complete stranger. I don't know if this is normal, but maybe it's partly why I became a photographer. I always have obscure snapshots in my head anyway, so I may as well capture the real stuff on camera, too. :-)

Have you ever imagined a snapshot of the Proverbs 31 woman? Well, I have. I'm a little ashamed to admit that after reading the passage over and over this morning, my picture of her is way off base. I imagined her to be a bit of a robust woman who scurried around her house cooking and cleaning and tending to her children. I saw her as a reserved, respectful woman who quietly did anything her husband or children asked of her. I imagined her to be a bit matronly--not stunningly gorgeous--but I figured what she lacked in beauty she made up for in character.

Honestly...is that the vision in your head or am I the only one? I spent some time this morning reading Proverbs 31 in several different translations and guess what?! The image in my mind was totally inaccurate!

Look at this list of her character traits:

Trustworthy (her husband trusts her)
Hard Worker (works with willing hands)
Early Riser (rises while it is still night)
Meal Provider (provides food for her house)
Business Woman (buys fields, makes linen garments and sells them)
Saver of Money (plants fields with her savings)
Night Owl (her lamp does not go out at night)
Seamstress (makes her own clothes and linens)
Generous (gives to poor and needy)
Strong and Dignified (dresses herself with these traits)
Sense of Humor (laughs at the time to come)
Wise (opens her mouth with wisdom)
Kind (teaching of kindness is on her tongue)
Manages House Well (looks well to all the ways of her household)
Productive (does not eat the bread of idleness)

What a list!

Now, verse 30 is my favorite:
"Charm is deceptive, and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised."

In the past, I assumed this verse meant that the woman described in these passages wasn't beautiful. I thought it was saying "It's okay that this woman isn't pretty because she fears the Lord, and that's more important." When I read this passage today, it hit me in a different way.

Suddenly, I'm picturing her as a beautifully charming woman with a face and figure that any woman would love to have. I imagine her with long, flowing hair, a breathtaking complexion, and a smile that lights up a room. I see her as a bit enchanting but modest and virtuous. However, these things don't matter! Her husband and children call her blessed because of her character, not because of her beauty! She may be the most beautiful woman in the world, but her beauty is not her focus.

I'm praying that someday I will be a woman like this. I want to be a woman who possesses this amazing list of attributes. But even more than that, I want to be a woman who is more concerned with my spiritual life and character than my outer beauty.

"Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as elaborate hairstyles and the wearing of gold jewelry or fine clothes. Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight." 1 Peter 3:3-4

Another Roller Coaster Drop...

You know what? I really don't like blogging. You might think I'm joking, but I'm not. Oh...I like writing. In fact, I love putting my thoughts on paper. I like organizing ideas into a neat little story. I enjoy looking back at what I've written and seeing how far I've come or how far I've fallen from where I used to be. It's a way to keep myself accountable.


What I don't like is posting it here for all to see. Vulnerability makes me queasy. Seriously. Every time I click the "post" button my stomach drops like I'm coming down the steepest hill on a roller coaster. Even now, as I type, my hands are a bit shaky. Most of the time, God lays things on my heart while I'm writing, so I never really know exactly how my blog will end. That, in itself, is a bit unnerving.


Well, today is no different. There are several things that have been on my heart lately, so as of this very  moment I'm just praying for direction. As much as it makes me squirm, I've realized God has called me to a season of vulnerability. Those who know me best know that I hate being emotional. For me to post my innermost thoughts for anyone to read is nothing short of a miracle. But if God has called me to do this, then I have faith there is a reason.


I actually had some quiet time this morning. I am the world's worst about making excuses for why I can't read my Bible in the morning...but mostly I blame it on having four kids to get out the door by 7 a.m. Today, after dropping the kids off at school, I decided I was going to stop by Starbucks for a grande white mocha (my weakness) and realized if I could make time for coffee then I really should make time for God. I tucked myself into a corner of the store, put some music in my ears, opened my Bible, and sipped my coffee.


There were two passages that stuck out to me today, so that's the direction this blog is headed now. :-) The first one is in a chapter of Galatians that was a huge comfort to me last year at this time. I was facing the most difficult decision of my life and praying for truth to be revealed. I read chapter 5 of Galatians and felt God speaking to my heart. I had spent years trying to maintain an outward appearance of "spiritual" by adhering to a set of rules. I was in bondage. Suddenly, it was like I couldn't breathe. I felt as if I might die if I didn't get out from under the confusion that was my life.


In order to understand the power in theses verses you have to read the whole chapter, but I'm going to highlight one of my favorites.


"You who are trying to be justified by the law have been alienated from Christ; you have fallen away from grace." Galatians 5:4


Last January, I realized I had fallen from grace. I was tired of doing the song and dance...tired of maintaining appearances that meant absolutely nothing. I wanted the life I lived to be genuine...even if it looked like a total mess on the outside. I dove in head first and made some serious adjustments. I'm still so far from where I need to be, and my life still looks like a mess from the outside. But you know what? I'm okay with that because I know God is working in my heart to make me exactly what He wants me to be! I'm continually praying that I won't fall from grace again but will instead be confident standing in His grace.


"And in this I give advice: It is to your advantage not only to be doing what you began and were desiring to do a year ago; but now you also must complete the doing of it..." 2 Corinthians 8:10


Wow. This one hit me right between the eyes this morning. I thought back to what I was desiring to do a year ago and started going over the list in my head. Have I completed the things I started or were they empty desires with no intentions of completion? There are definitely several things that I've at least begun to complete. But there are always those nagging ideas in the back of my head that I'm waiting to accomplish "someday." My family and friends know a few of these desires and continually encourage me to make them happen. So far I've been satisfied with the excuses I've given for not accomplishing these things, but I refuse to be content with excuses anymore.


One thing I've learned in my advertising and marketing classes is that strategy is everything. To implement any new idea you need a plan--a media strategy, a marketing strategy, a creative strategy--or your efforts will be pointless. Well, I've decided I need to implement that concept into my personal life as well. I need to design a plan, focus on my strategy for the next year, and then make it happen. I'm the worst planner and organizer EVER, but I'm not letting another year go by without tackling a few of these projects.

I'm keeping it secret for now...but I'll let you know in 2012 how it's coming. :-)

Oh...and thanks for reading my rambling thoughts. I'm blessed by your comments and emails more than you will ever know.

One-One-Eleven

Well, it's 2011--the beginning of a new year and a new decade. For me, it's a year of anticipation...the year I'm hoping things will finally "come together" as I close the chapter on one of my toughest years yet.

By July, I should be a college graduate. It's hard to believe that I started back to school a whole year ago. When I think back to the uncertain, self-conscious girl that walked into those college classrooms last January, it's hard to believe that was me. In the past year I have learned so much about who I am, but most of all I learned that I actually like me! I figured out that confidence comes from actually liking yourself. Sometimes you have to make tough decisions and face uncomfortable changes to get there, but it's always worth it in the end.

With this college degree, I hope to secure a job in the advertising field. The idea of doing something that I love and that I think I actually have some talent for really excites me. The unknown is always scary to me, though, so I'm praying now that God will gently ease me into this new career. I am confident that He will put me exactly where I need to be!

I'm also anticipating a move sometime in the next several months. I'm so thankful to my parents for providing me with an awesome apartment above their house where the kids and I have been able stay while I finish school, but I'm realizing our time will be coming to an end soon. We've had our ups and downs here, but for 10 people to be living in the same place, we have done GREAT! I know the kids and I will look back on this time with really fond memories, so I'm going to try to savor our last few months here.

This month is also the anniversary of the biggest, scariest change of my life. Sometimes I'm not sure how I survived the last year...but then I look at the family and friends surrounding me, and it's obvious. I've spent the last year crying on so many shoulders (and you all know who you are). Thank you for your love, encouragement, and listening ears. I would have been lost without you!

One of the best things that came out of my struggles this past year was the rebuilding of relationships with my family...especially my sisters. When I was five years old, I prayed and prayed for a baby sister, and God blessed me with Amy Jo. Being at different stages of life, combined with other circumstances, had somehow caused me to put our relationship on the back burner. It wasn't until I was really hurting that I realized how much I needed her...and she was waiting with open arms. The blessing of our working together still overwhelms me sometimes. It's like God is letting us make up for the time we missed. I'm so thankful for the time we have together and for the things I learn by watching her. She is wise beyond her years. I love you, Amy Jo.

Estania came to America when I was 23. I remember feeling like we would never have that "sisterly bond" because we didn't live together. I watched as she got close to Amy Jo and felt like I was missing out. I just assumed we would never relate to each other on that level. Well, here I am living above her and getting to know her in a totally new way. We can girl talk and giggle and share make-up and clothes. I feel just as close to her as I do Amy Jo, and I learn just as much by watching her. I am so proud of the confident, beautiful girl she has become. I'm also very thankful for her willingness to help me with the kids anytime I need her. And I'm so thankful to God for providing us with an atmosphere to cultivate our relationship. I love you, and I'm so proud of you, Estania! Good stuff can come out of difficult circumstances!

"I thank my God every time I remember you..." Philippians 1:3

Looking forward to the new things God will teach me in 2011!

"Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland." Isaiah 43:18-19