For this child I prayed...

For a long time, I prayed that God would allow me to adopt a child. It started when Trevor joined our family when I was 14. I had never experienced the kind of emotions I felt when he became my brother. When Estania came home from Haiti, the desire to adopt was amplified.

Of course, all mamas know that nothing tops the joy you experience after you give birth. Something so miraculous, so tiny, and so dependent on you changes your outlook on the entire world.

But it's a different kind of miracle when God chooses to make you mama to one that didn't grow inside you.

That's what my Jayden is to me--a miracle. My life changed the instant I heard about his young birthmother. Jayden literally fell into our family. We weren't actively seeking to adopt at the time. We had 3 children under 5, we were in debt up to our eyeballs, and to be honest, life was a little overwhelming. But when God opens that kind of door in front of you, the best thing to do is walk through it. So we did.

Jayden is my firecracker. He loves to challenge me and then turn around and love on me. He can make me crazy one minute and melt my heart the next. His raspy little voice got me from day one. His dark brown eyes can pierce my heart like no other. I've been in love with that boy from that November day seven years ago when I found out he would need a home when he was born. I prayed from that moment that God would allow me to be his mama and He granted me that request.

Life's answers aren't always black and white. Everything doesn't always fit into a neat little box with a pretty bow on top. We live in a sad, fallen world where we all make mistakes. Sometimes life takes us down paths we never imagined we would walk.

Because of this, we have to make choices that are tough. Choices that hurt. Choices that we wish we never had to face. We have to do the best with what we've been given under the circumstances in which we live.

I've struggled for months with one of those difficult decisions.

Since Jayden's daddy moved to Texas, Jayden just hasn't been the same. He and Daddy have been connected from day one. They've always shared a tight bond that I've loved to watch. The distance between them has affected Jayden on every level. Schoolwork became an issue. Behavior became an issue. My sweet JJ became completely apathetic. Bottom line: He missed his daddy.

As a mom, I think the most difficult decision you can ever make is to let your child go. I never anticipated that I'd have to make this kind of sacrifice yet. Jayden's not quite seven. But every time I asked God for an answer, His response was the same... Let him go. The answer came through many different channels--people, sermons, scriptures, but mostly through Jayden's sorrow.

I withdrew Jayden from school last week and cried the entire day. Every time I thought I finally had it together, I'd get that tight throat and have to hold back the tears. I'd blink really fast to keep those tears from falling. But then I realized it's okay for me to cry. No mama should ever have to do this.

Because I want what's best for my baby, I'm doing what God has asked of me. God didn't have to let me be Jayden's mom at all. I asked and He granted it. The least I can do is give Jayden back with a grateful heart and a hopeful anticipation for the future.

Jayden left this morning to start a new journey with his daddy in Pearland, TX. He'll be finishing the school year there. I couldn't help but notice the excitement in his eyes as we had dinner last night. It gave me a peace that I can't explain. Even while I sobbed into my little man's shoulder as I said goodbye, I knew I was doing the right thing. He needs his daddy right now and I'm not going to fight that. But if you wouldn't mind sending up some prayers for this mama, I sure would appreciate that.

"I prayed for this child, and the Lord has granted me what I asked of Him. So now I give him to the Lord. For his whole life he will be given over to the Lord."
I Samuel 1:27-28

Stop and Smell the Coffee...

I'm at Starbucks. That's the reason for the title of this blog. But there's more to it than that.

This place has become my haven over the last few years. My go-to place when I need to think. Or work. Or pray. Or chill. Or chat with my barista buddies.

Today, it's a combination of all of the above.

I'm doing a little editing of yesterday's wedding photos. I'm chatting with my friends here when they walk by. I'm reading some encouraging blogs. I'm taking in the delicious coffee smell that I love so much.

But above all, I'm feeling an enormous amount of gratefulness in the depths of my soul.

Three years ago, although I was living a decent life by most standards, it wasn't very genuine. I went to church primarily to socialize. I sang in the praise team because it was fun for me. I stayed in an unhealthy relationship because I was too prideful to fail at marriage. I tried desperately to make sure my life looked perfect on the outside even though it was a mess at the core. In short, my life was empty.

Two years ago, I was broken. I was hurting. I was disappointed and doubting. I was wondering how my life could ever be beautiful again after the mess it had become.

Last year, I was wrapping up the toughest year of my life as I finished school. I was wondering what my next step would be. I was praying for direction and renewed passion in my life.

This brings me to today and the reason for this blog.

It's Sunday. But I didn't go to church today.

*GASP*

I probably should have. But I didn't. Some people might think that's terrible... especially if I'm going to post a blog about it. But ya know what? My faith isn't based on religious rituals. My faith is about a relationship with my Creator. And He can meet me at Starbucks just as easily as He can meet me in a church.

And while sitting here today, I've realized that my life, while still screwed up in many ways, is more authentic than it's ever been. It's far from perfect. I still have bad days. I still seek direction and focus on a daily basis. I still question the purpose behind some of the pain I've experienced. I still deal with disappointments. I still forget (too often) how blessed I am.

In the last few days, I've realized some pretty profound truths. When you realize the pain you've experienced has made you who you are, it's easier to forgive those who have hurt you. When you stop placing unwanted expectations on others, it's easier to avoid disappointment. When you recognize that you don't deserve any of the blessings in your life, it's easier to be grateful for what you've been given.

Because I stopped and smelled the coffee today, my heart is overflowing with gratitude as I reflect on the last few years--where I've been and where I am.

This year, God has blessed me with the perfect job and the best business partners. He has provided more than I've needed to take care of my kids. He's cultivated some of the most genuine relationships I've ever had. He's given me a sense of passion and purpose in everything I do.

My life isn't perfect, but it's definitely beautiful in ways I never could have imagined.

It's genuine. And that is the reason for my thankful heart today.