Not once, but twice...

Well, it's that time of year again. While we all get nostalgic at Thanksgiving or Christmas, this time of year brings about very special feelings of nostalgia for me. I have two reasons to be thankful at the end of February and the beginning of March.

The first reason is big. February 24th...a day I will never forget...because on this day my youngest son was born. Not that a mama would ever forget the day of her child's birth, but this one was divinely orchestrated. The questions and uncertainties which led up to that day faded the moment I heard his cry. Little Jayden Logan--my son from the moment he was conceived--spent nine months in the womb of another woman. However, the instant I held him in my arms I knew what unconditional love was all about. This tiny boy didn't share my genes or grow in my womb, but I loved him the same as my other three children instantly. The only explanation is that God orchestrated a miracle. Why He chose me to be Jayden's mama, I will never understand. I make mistakes every single day. I feel completely inadequate for this job God has called me to do--not just once--but four times!

As I was snuggling with Jayden earlier and reminding him he would be five tomorrow, I apologized for all the times I've messed up. I told him I wish there was an instruction book on how to be a perfect mommy. His response? "God can make you one!" After I picked my jaw up off the ground, I stammered, "You're right, Jayden. God can fix all the stuff I mess up." It's not about me or my skills as a mother. It's about God and what HE can do through me and in spite of me. The fact that God spoke to me through Jayden's sweet, raspy voice is even more confirmation that God's plan was for him to complete this crazy little family.

The second reason for my thankfulness is even bigger. March 10th...also a day I will never forget...but for a very different reason. This day is literally burned in my memory (and on my arm). This was the day Jayden started a fire in my closet two years ago. While it was the scariest and most painful thing I've ever experienced, I can't help but remember that day with thanksgiving in my heart. God gave Jayden to me again on March 10th, 2009. The events of that day could have been very different. Just a few more seconds and there's a good chance I wouldn't have been able to get to Jayden in time to pull him from the fire. For months I had nightmares about what would have happened if Hunter hadn't discovered the fire when he did. The "what ifs" were relentless in their haunting.

So tomorrow I will celebrate Jayden's birth and life. And here I sit with memories washing over me--some sweet, some joyful, some sad, and some scary. Through all the nostalgic emotions, the one that emerges at the top is thankfulness in its purest form. I didn't deserve to be Jayden's mom. I didn't do anything worthy of that honor. Yet God blessed me with his little life...not once, but twice.

For that, I am eternally grateful.