An open letter to my ex-husband on our anniversary...

I never imagined on that day 14 years ago when I said “I Do” that there would ever come a day when we spent October 9th not only apart, but divorced and living in different states.

But here we are, four years after our divorce, living separate lives completely “moved on” from one another. And while today holds some bittersweet memories, I can honestly say that I will never regret the years we spent together. Our marriage taught me some of the most valuable lessons I’ve ever learned.

I will never forget the way we worked so hard to build a house with our own hands and the satisfaction that came when we moved in it. Hard work definitely pays off. We’re both learning that even more with age.

I will forever remember the birth of each of our children and the way we fumbled through those early years with babies. I’m not sure how we kept our sanity with 4 little ones ages 5 and under. I will always be thankful for what a good daddy you were then and what a great dad you continue to be.

I will never forget the year we spent living 1000 miles away from our families and how much we grew up. We lived on pennies, but to this day it is the fondest year in my memory of our years together.

I will always be thankful for your patient spirit even though it sometimes drove me crazy. I’m pretty certain at times you were unusually calm just to get under my skin. But I can easily recognize it as one of your strengths.

I will never forget the joy we experienced together as we adopted our youngest son. If we had never married, who knows where he would be… Our firecracker. Our “all boy” boy. Our son who “looks just like daddy” according to the strangers we used to encounter on a daily basis. I don’t even want to think about how different his life would be without your love and influence.

I will fondly remember those times when you did everything you could just to make me happy. Even when we had no money, you found ways to surprise me with small gifts or a night away from the kids. 

I will always remember the ups and downs. The joy and sadness. The marriage that gave me a list of “must-have” items in case I ever decide to do it again.

I will never forget the heartache of broken dreams that taught me to hold loosely to the things of this world. We were young. We thought being married would make our lives perfect. But we didn’t realize we were entering the toughest battlefield on this earth.

Unfortunately, we lost that battle. But we didn’t lose the war! We will forever be connected because of the four beautiful children we parent together. It took some time, but I can finally say that we are friends and we truly work together to create a healthy environment for our kids even as a “broken” family. I am grateful for the love, the joy, the tears, and the pain… because through it all, I’ve become who I am today. And honestly, I think I’m pretty cool. :)

Sincerely,

Your Ex-Wife

Sunshine in my Soul...

Hope. My word for the week. Why?

I've realized this week that hope changes everything.

I'm a single mom. I've got four kids. I run a business (with help from two awesome business partners). I drive a car with 266, 000 miles on it. I want to help my kids pursue every dream they have which results in my forking out cash for piano lessons, voice lessons, basketball shoes, and lots of other stuff. We need a new car. Soon. We live in a GREAT apartment, but my kids want a house with a yard. They want a dog. And I want to be able to give them those things.

So what does this have to do with hope? Well, the last few weeks have been stressful for me because I had lost hope. Wedding deposits weren't coming in as quickly as I had hoped. My car needed some minor repairs. Rent was due. The kids wanted money for book fair. A good friend let me down. I dealt with a very difficult parenting issue. All of this kept weighing on my mind, and as much as I hate to admit it, I succumbed to the feeling of hopelessness. It snowballed, and I froze. I was paralyzed with fear.

That's when it hit me. Without hope, we wilt. I could feel my heart wilting this week. It desperately needed some sun. Just when I thought I might lose it, I felt the warm rays of sunshine in my soul. A bride booked a wedding. Another bride booked a consultation. Even as I typed this paragraph, another wedding inquiry showed up in my inbox.

There are so many "things" we can hope for that will let us down. If I'm sitting here waiting for a tall, dark, handsome man to come sweep me off my feet, I'm eventually going to lose hope when he doesn't show up. If I'm waiting for the day that I have no financial stress, I'm going to be disappointed. Even millionaires have financial stress... WAY worse than mine! If I expect my kids to be perfect, they're going to let me down. If I never allow myself to make a mistake, then I'm only going to disappoint myself.

The point is that I have to put my hope in something bigger. If these things that caused stress for me this week were NEVER resolved, I can still find hope in the One who never fails me. His promises are real. His love is real. His mercies are new every morning.

Don't know Him? Then you should get to know Him.

"Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we boast in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us."

Romans 5:1-5

My 13 for 2013...

2012. It's over. My initial reaction is: I DID IT! I made it an entire year as a self-employed full-time photographer! Not only did I survive, I thrived! I never would have succeeded without two awesome business partners and the support of my family and friends. Thank you to everyone who played a part in making 2012 the best year of my life so far...

Now on to 2013...

I've been writing this blog in my head for a few days now unsure of whether it would be a public post or just one for my own benefit. When you recognize some not-so-pleasant things that need to change in your life, it's not real comfortable to post it for all the world to see. Plus, vulnerability is just not my thing. Conversations with emotional undertones make my skin crawl... Unless I am the initiator... in which case I look at the wall, the floor, or anywhere other than the eyes of the person to whom I am speaking. (If you've ever had one of these conversations with me, you know what I'm talking about.) Hey...at least I can recognize this and have been working on it! :)

As much as I've grown in the last few years, I've realized some things about myself that I'd like to work on. Ironically, at least three friends have lovingly mentioned one or more of these things to me in the last few days. Here's my sign, right??

1. Tithe. 

I have been making excuses for 3 years... "I'm just getting back on my feet." "I'm a single mom." "I give when I can." LAME. Every single one. No more excuses. I already know my check this pay period won't cover my bills. (January is a rough month for photographers and this is why we have savings accounts! Lol.) I plan to tithe and trust.

2. Read through the Bible. 

I don't know how many times my mom has done this, but I know it's a lot. I haven't done it once. That changes this year. I'm reading every day.

3. Be quiet.

I need to unplug. Seriously. I don't like to hear what God has to say sometimes. It doesn't always go along with my plan. If I keep my head full of the stuff on my agenda (with the help of all my digital distractions), it's easy to drown Him out. Enough, Trisha. ENOUGH. I'm listening this year.

4. Write more.

I say this too often. I have plans for a book. I love to write poetry. Song lyrics, blogs, letters. I just like to write. But I don't take the time to do it. Once a week, I will write something.

5. Rekindle my first love.

I grew up surrounded by music. I think I sang my first solo in church at 4 years old. Piano lessons started at 5. School band started in 6th grade. My first guitar was under the Christmas tree in 8th grade. At some point, I assumed I had outgrown my musical superstar window and I kinda gave up on all of it. (The dream of being the next Alicia Keys had to die at some point. LOL!) But that doesn't mean I can't continue to grow and develop talents. Something you love so much, something that has made you who you are should never die. I'm buying a piano this year. Period.

6. Live in the moment. Listen wholeheartedly. 

This goes back to my digital distractions. I am the worst about not living in the moment because I'm afraid I might be missing out on something else. Having dinner with a friend and checking my phone constantly? Just plain rude! Talking on the phone and checking Facebook? Ridiculous! Watching a movie with my kids and texting friends? Sad! This year, I will be where I am and stop worrying about where I'm NOT. (And maybe I'll discover that I actually have a personality more interesting than a rock, right Walt?) :)

7. Invest in the ones who invest in me.

I take people for granted. Bottom line. I'm done casually ignoring the people who prove their value and loyalty over and over. If you're one of the people who always checks my oil, makes me smile over coffee, calls just to check on me, or listens while I vent about life, you're getting my attention this year. To the ones who have invested in me in the past and I've dropped the ball on our friendship, I'm picking the ball back up!

8. Develop my design talents.

I've discovered I'm pretty decent at designing stuff. I designed the album artwork for a friend whose 7th studio album will release in February. I'm so thankful that he took a chance on me! It's opened the doors to some other opportunities, and this year I'm going to learn more, design more, and take advantage of opportunities to do both. (Don't stop making music, T... I need more work!) :)

9. Live on less.

This year I want to make more money, live on less, and give more. This will require a budget. (My brother will help me with this one... Right, Nate? Lol.)

10. "Figure out what you want and learn how to ask for it."

This is a line from a movie, but I can't remember which one. (Danielle and April...help me out!) It stood out when I first heard it and I committed to work on it then, but I still struggle with this. I'm great about giving vague requests and hoping people will figure me out on their own. This year I'm going to ask for what I want.

11. Quality time.

My kids get the worst of me. The end-of-the-day, worn out, single mom. I'm going to start being intentional about the time I spend with them and start making every moment count. 

12. Discipline. Discipline. Discipline.

There are so many areas of my life where this needs to be applied. Eating healthier. Exercising more. Planning my day. Housework. Laundry. Dividing my time between tasks. Yikes. This will be tough but I'm committed to being more efficient by disciplining myself and staying on task.

13. Encourage.

I want to be known as someone who encourages others. I want to bring a smile to your face if you don't already have one. And if you do have one, I want it to be bigger when I walk away. I want to listen when you need an ear. I want to pray for you. I want your day to be better for having come in contact with me. Period.

These are my New Years' Improvements. (I hate resolutions.) :)