For this child I prayed...

For a long time, I prayed that God would allow me to adopt a child. It started when Trevor joined our family when I was 14. I had never experienced the kind of emotions I felt when he became my brother. When Estania came home from Haiti, the desire to adopt was amplified.

Of course, all mamas know that nothing tops the joy you experience after you give birth. Something so miraculous, so tiny, and so dependent on you changes your outlook on the entire world.

But it's a different kind of miracle when God chooses to make you mama to one that didn't grow inside you.

That's what my Jayden is to me--a miracle. My life changed the instant I heard about his young birthmother. Jayden literally fell into our family. We weren't actively seeking to adopt at the time. We had 3 children under 5, we were in debt up to our eyeballs, and to be honest, life was a little overwhelming. But when God opens that kind of door in front of you, the best thing to do is walk through it. So we did.

Jayden is my firecracker. He loves to challenge me and then turn around and love on me. He can make me crazy one minute and melt my heart the next. His raspy little voice got me from day one. His dark brown eyes can pierce my heart like no other. I've been in love with that boy from that November day seven years ago when I found out he would need a home when he was born. I prayed from that moment that God would allow me to be his mama and He granted me that request.

Life's answers aren't always black and white. Everything doesn't always fit into a neat little box with a pretty bow on top. We live in a sad, fallen world where we all make mistakes. Sometimes life takes us down paths we never imagined we would walk.

Because of this, we have to make choices that are tough. Choices that hurt. Choices that we wish we never had to face. We have to do the best with what we've been given under the circumstances in which we live.

I've struggled for months with one of those difficult decisions.

Since Jayden's daddy moved to Texas, Jayden just hasn't been the same. He and Daddy have been connected from day one. They've always shared a tight bond that I've loved to watch. The distance between them has affected Jayden on every level. Schoolwork became an issue. Behavior became an issue. My sweet JJ became completely apathetic. Bottom line: He missed his daddy.

As a mom, I think the most difficult decision you can ever make is to let your child go. I never anticipated that I'd have to make this kind of sacrifice yet. Jayden's not quite seven. But every time I asked God for an answer, His response was the same... Let him go. The answer came through many different channels--people, sermons, scriptures, but mostly through Jayden's sorrow.

I withdrew Jayden from school last week and cried the entire day. Every time I thought I finally had it together, I'd get that tight throat and have to hold back the tears. I'd blink really fast to keep those tears from falling. But then I realized it's okay for me to cry. No mama should ever have to do this.

Because I want what's best for my baby, I'm doing what God has asked of me. God didn't have to let me be Jayden's mom at all. I asked and He granted it. The least I can do is give Jayden back with a grateful heart and a hopeful anticipation for the future.

Jayden left this morning to start a new journey with his daddy in Pearland, TX. He'll be finishing the school year there. I couldn't help but notice the excitement in his eyes as we had dinner last night. It gave me a peace that I can't explain. Even while I sobbed into my little man's shoulder as I said goodbye, I knew I was doing the right thing. He needs his daddy right now and I'm not going to fight that. But if you wouldn't mind sending up some prayers for this mama, I sure would appreciate that.

"I prayed for this child, and the Lord has granted me what I asked of Him. So now I give him to the Lord. For his whole life he will be given over to the Lord."
I Samuel 1:27-28

Stop and Smell the Coffee...

I'm at Starbucks. That's the reason for the title of this blog. But there's more to it than that.

This place has become my haven over the last few years. My go-to place when I need to think. Or work. Or pray. Or chill. Or chat with my barista buddies.

Today, it's a combination of all of the above.

I'm doing a little editing of yesterday's wedding photos. I'm chatting with my friends here when they walk by. I'm reading some encouraging blogs. I'm taking in the delicious coffee smell that I love so much.

But above all, I'm feeling an enormous amount of gratefulness in the depths of my soul.

Three years ago, although I was living a decent life by most standards, it wasn't very genuine. I went to church primarily to socialize. I sang in the praise team because it was fun for me. I stayed in an unhealthy relationship because I was too prideful to fail at marriage. I tried desperately to make sure my life looked perfect on the outside even though it was a mess at the core. In short, my life was empty.

Two years ago, I was broken. I was hurting. I was disappointed and doubting. I was wondering how my life could ever be beautiful again after the mess it had become.

Last year, I was wrapping up the toughest year of my life as I finished school. I was wondering what my next step would be. I was praying for direction and renewed passion in my life.

This brings me to today and the reason for this blog.

It's Sunday. But I didn't go to church today.

*GASP*

I probably should have. But I didn't. Some people might think that's terrible... especially if I'm going to post a blog about it. But ya know what? My faith isn't based on religious rituals. My faith is about a relationship with my Creator. And He can meet me at Starbucks just as easily as He can meet me in a church.

And while sitting here today, I've realized that my life, while still screwed up in many ways, is more authentic than it's ever been. It's far from perfect. I still have bad days. I still seek direction and focus on a daily basis. I still question the purpose behind some of the pain I've experienced. I still deal with disappointments. I still forget (too often) how blessed I am.

In the last few days, I've realized some pretty profound truths. When you realize the pain you've experienced has made you who you are, it's easier to forgive those who have hurt you. When you stop placing unwanted expectations on others, it's easier to avoid disappointment. When you recognize that you don't deserve any of the blessings in your life, it's easier to be grateful for what you've been given.

Because I stopped and smelled the coffee today, my heart is overflowing with gratitude as I reflect on the last few years--where I've been and where I am.

This year, God has blessed me with the perfect job and the best business partners. He has provided more than I've needed to take care of my kids. He's cultivated some of the most genuine relationships I've ever had. He's given me a sense of passion and purpose in everything I do.

My life isn't perfect, but it's definitely beautiful in ways I never could have imagined.

It's genuine. And that is the reason for my thankful heart today.

God Keeps His Promises

Today is a special day for me.

Not only is it my sister's birthday (I prayed for a sister every night when I was 5 years old), but I just finished the last final exam of my college career (assuming I don't go back for my Master's someday). As I walked into my apartment the other night, I was welcomed by these pictures my kids made in Sunday School about a year ago.



Yes, they have been hanging in the same spot for a year, and yes, I have looked at them every single day. But this particular night as I anticipated the end of my college career, I actually saw the pictures. I was suddenly overwhelmed with the reality that God does keep His promises. Since that night, I've stopped to reflect on His promises in my life.

Two years ago when I was in the hospital recovering from second and third degree burns, I was given a calendar with scriptures for each day of the year. One of the verses that stayed with me was Deuteronomy 31:8.

"The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.”

God didn't promise that my life will always be easy. In fact, Jesus said the exact opposite in John 16:33.

“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”

So even though I'm guaranteed to have trouble in this world, I can hold onto the promise that my Savior will never leave me. And for the last year and a half, as I've muddled my way through the chaos of being a single mom who works and goes to school full-time, I've felt His presence every step of the way. Sometimes we walked side by side. Other times, I ran ahead and He had to gently pull me back to His side. But most of the time, He carried me because I was too exhausted to walk on my own.

The realization of how far I've come hit me today. My hope in His promises has been the only thing that sustained me over the last couple years.

What promises are you clinging to today? If you're placing your hope in the promises this world has to offer, there is nothing but disappointment waiting around the bend. Put your hope in the One who keeps His promises, and He will never leave you or forsake you. Take heart, and don't be discouraged. He has overcome the world!

Remember your word to your servant,

for you have given me hope.

My comfort in my suffering is this:

Your promise preserves my life.

Psalm 119:49-50

Where's Your Hope?

Well, I've done it again. I thought I had it all figured out. I was on top of it. I knew better than that.

Have you ever put your hope in somone who let you down? Maybe you hoped they wouldn't disappoint you. Or you hoped they would change. Perhaps you hoped they would surprise you in some way. If your story is like mine, your hopes were crushed...not once, not twice, but over and over again. Maybe it wasn't even the same person each time. But somewhere along the way, we've all been disappointed when we allowed someone else to hold our fragile hopes in their hands.

I can't figure out why I do this to myself. I know there's only one place I can put my hope and never expect disappointment: in Jesus Christ. Yet, for some reason, I look for someone tangible. I hope for a divine reassurance from earthly beings. And what's even worse is the fact that I expect a different outcome when putting my hope in the hands of people and things who continually disappoint.

I'm learning. Slowly but surely, God is teaching me to continually hope in HIM! Thanks to an amazing message series by John Blythe at Living Hope, I'm being reminded once again. The only way I'll avoid disppointment on this earth is by placing my hope in the One who provided me with a living hope.

"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! In his great mercy he has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead..." 1 Peter 1:3

This old hymn states it well:

My hope is built on nothing less
Than Jesus’ blood and righteousness.
I dare not trust the sweetest frame,
But wholly trust in Jesus’ Name.


When darkness seems to hide His face,
I rest on His unchanging grace.
In every high and stormy gale,
My anchor holds within the veil.


On Christ the solid Rock I stand,
All other ground is sinking sand;
All other ground is sinking sand.

In His Time...

What gain has the worker from his toil? I have seen the business that God has given to the children of man to be busy with. He has made everything beautiful in its time. Also, he has put eternity into man’s heart, yet so that he cannot find out what God has done from the beginning to the end. I perceived that there is nothing better for them than to be joyful and to do good as long as they live; also that everyone should eat and drink and take pleasure in all his toil—this is God’s gift to man.  Ecclesiastes 3:9-13

"Sometimes, it's hard to see how God can make this beautiful again."

These are the words my wise, sweet, younger sister spoke to me as I was facing the most difficult season of my life last year. With a divorce on the horizon, the responsibility of four children, and plans to start back to college, I felt like my life was far from beautiful--it was a complete mess. I had no savings, no steady income, and was in debt up to my eyeballs. I was stressed, depressed, and exhausted. Completely overwhelmed at the thought of starting over on my own, I decided the only way to do it was to jump in head first.

I did just that--moved into a new place, started school, started a new job, and just started plugging away at life. It has been a year full of changes. I've kept my schedule completely booked, not allowing myself think too far ahead for fear of becoming overwhelmed. I've had to face my life one day at a time...one hour at a time...sometimes even one minute at a time.

As my college career will be coming to an end in the next few months, I've had to face the fact that there will be more changes ahead. I've had to read through my blogs to remind myself of the things God taught me about seasons over the last year so I will be ready to face the new one. And suddenly, I remembered the words of my sister.

Sometimes, it's still hard to see the big picture and figure out how God can piece my life back together and make it beautiful. When I think back to where I was last year and where I am today, not much has changed on the outside. I still live in the same apartment above my parents. I'm still running a mile a minute to keep up with my crazy schedule. I still struggle to balance work, school, and kids. But when I look at the work God has done in my heart, I'm overwhelmed with gratitude! Not only has He shown me how to depend on Him for my every need, He has helped me to overcome anger and bitterness, shown me how to forgive, and given me a joy I've never experienced. He has given me pleasure in all my toil, and just like verse 13 of Ecclesiastes 3 says, I honestly feel like it has been a gift from God. Without the goals I've been pursuing in front of me, I may have crumbled under the pressures of life.

Through all the trials of the last year, I've learned it's not my outward circumstances that produce joy or beauty in my life. It's only through God's peace and blessings that I will ever feel like my life is truly beautiful and, even then, I will always be a work in progress.

As this chapter of my life comes to a close and I face uncertainties once again, I will remind myself to trust Him. As I look for a place to live, search for a new job, take on new responsibilities, and continue being Mama to four precious kids, I will trust that He has a plan. And above all, I will remember that He makes all things beautiful in HIS time.



Not once, but twice...

Well, it's that time of year again. While we all get nostalgic at Thanksgiving or Christmas, this time of year brings about very special feelings of nostalgia for me. I have two reasons to be thankful at the end of February and the beginning of March.

The first reason is big. February 24th...a day I will never forget...because on this day my youngest son was born. Not that a mama would ever forget the day of her child's birth, but this one was divinely orchestrated. The questions and uncertainties which led up to that day faded the moment I heard his cry. Little Jayden Logan--my son from the moment he was conceived--spent nine months in the womb of another woman. However, the instant I held him in my arms I knew what unconditional love was all about. This tiny boy didn't share my genes or grow in my womb, but I loved him the same as my other three children instantly. The only explanation is that God orchestrated a miracle. Why He chose me to be Jayden's mama, I will never understand. I make mistakes every single day. I feel completely inadequate for this job God has called me to do--not just once--but four times!

As I was snuggling with Jayden earlier and reminding him he would be five tomorrow, I apologized for all the times I've messed up. I told him I wish there was an instruction book on how to be a perfect mommy. His response? "God can make you one!" After I picked my jaw up off the ground, I stammered, "You're right, Jayden. God can fix all the stuff I mess up." It's not about me or my skills as a mother. It's about God and what HE can do through me and in spite of me. The fact that God spoke to me through Jayden's sweet, raspy voice is even more confirmation that God's plan was for him to complete this crazy little family.

The second reason for my thankfulness is even bigger. March 10th...also a day I will never forget...but for a very different reason. This day is literally burned in my memory (and on my arm). This was the day Jayden started a fire in my closet two years ago. While it was the scariest and most painful thing I've ever experienced, I can't help but remember that day with thanksgiving in my heart. God gave Jayden to me again on March 10th, 2009. The events of that day could have been very different. Just a few more seconds and there's a good chance I wouldn't have been able to get to Jayden in time to pull him from the fire. For months I had nightmares about what would have happened if Hunter hadn't discovered the fire when he did. The "what ifs" were relentless in their haunting.

So tomorrow I will celebrate Jayden's birth and life. And here I sit with memories washing over me--some sweet, some joyful, some sad, and some scary. Through all the nostalgic emotions, the one that emerges at the top is thankfulness in its purest form. I didn't deserve to be Jayden's mom. I didn't do anything worthy of that honor. Yet God blessed me with his little life...not once, but twice.

For that, I am eternally grateful.

25 things I've learned this year...

My sweet sister reminded me the other day that it had been a while since my last blog, so I decided to sit down before bed tonight and share some thoughts. I always have random thoughts bouncing around in my head...it just takes some discipline to record them.

Lately, I've been making a mental list of the things I've learned in the last year. Some are big, some are small...but all of these things are helping me (in some way) to become a better version of myself.

1. When I have a full schedule, I'm more productive.
2. I spend more time dreading a project than it takes to actually complete a project. (I think I'm finally getting a handle on this one. I just force myself to sit and write a paper before I let myself worry about it. It's much easier this way.)
3. I can function on as little as 4 hours of sleep. Getting more than 7 hours makes me sleepier somehow.
4. Contrary to what I've thought my whole life, I actually like running.
5. I have the best family in the world. If you're not in my family, you should be jealous. :-) JK.
6. Men who LEAD are a rare gift from God.
7. Sisters (including in-laws) are the best secret keepers.
8. Friends that will help you with laundy or hold your hair back when you're sick are the best kind. These are the friendships that never change with distance or time.
9. Age really IS just a number.
10. Apparently, I can pass for 22. Sweet!
11. Forgiveness isn't for the benefit of the forgivEE but the forgivER.
12. Churches that want to be social clubs are common. Churches that want to SERVE are few and far between.
13. The more I learn, the more I realize how much I DON'T KNOW.
14. Writing is therapeutic for me.
15. God puts certain people in our lives at certain times for a certain purpose. I believe this with all my heart.
16. I don't have to see eye-to-eye with you to be your friend. Variety is the spice of life.
17. I don't always think before I speak. (Workin' on this one.)
18. I love learning.
19. I hate being tested on my knowledge.
20. Music inspires me more than anything else in this world.
21. My mom is the most unselfish person I know.
22. Brothers are great to hang out with when you need a laugh.
23. Photography is a passion for me. Being too busy to get behind the camera much has made me realize this.
24. I'm attracted to people who make me laugh.
25. I like who I am--with all my baggage and mess. It's only THROUGH HIM and because of HIS grace that I am what I am.


Well, it's just a start. I'm still a mess. I'm still learning and growing. I can't wait to see what God teaches me in the next 12 months!