Another Roller Coaster Drop...

You know what? I really don't like blogging. You might think I'm joking, but I'm not. Oh...I like writing. In fact, I love putting my thoughts on paper. I like organizing ideas into a neat little story. I enjoy looking back at what I've written and seeing how far I've come or how far I've fallen from where I used to be. It's a way to keep myself accountable.


What I don't like is posting it here for all to see. Vulnerability makes me queasy. Seriously. Every time I click the "post" button my stomach drops like I'm coming down the steepest hill on a roller coaster. Even now, as I type, my hands are a bit shaky. Most of the time, God lays things on my heart while I'm writing, so I never really know exactly how my blog will end. That, in itself, is a bit unnerving.


Well, today is no different. There are several things that have been on my heart lately, so as of this very  moment I'm just praying for direction. As much as it makes me squirm, I've realized God has called me to a season of vulnerability. Those who know me best know that I hate being emotional. For me to post my innermost thoughts for anyone to read is nothing short of a miracle. But if God has called me to do this, then I have faith there is a reason.


I actually had some quiet time this morning. I am the world's worst about making excuses for why I can't read my Bible in the morning...but mostly I blame it on having four kids to get out the door by 7 a.m. Today, after dropping the kids off at school, I decided I was going to stop by Starbucks for a grande white mocha (my weakness) and realized if I could make time for coffee then I really should make time for God. I tucked myself into a corner of the store, put some music in my ears, opened my Bible, and sipped my coffee.


There were two passages that stuck out to me today, so that's the direction this blog is headed now. :-) The first one is in a chapter of Galatians that was a huge comfort to me last year at this time. I was facing the most difficult decision of my life and praying for truth to be revealed. I read chapter 5 of Galatians and felt God speaking to my heart. I had spent years trying to maintain an outward appearance of "spiritual" by adhering to a set of rules. I was in bondage. Suddenly, it was like I couldn't breathe. I felt as if I might die if I didn't get out from under the confusion that was my life.


In order to understand the power in theses verses you have to read the whole chapter, but I'm going to highlight one of my favorites.


"You who are trying to be justified by the law have been alienated from Christ; you have fallen away from grace." Galatians 5:4


Last January, I realized I had fallen from grace. I was tired of doing the song and dance...tired of maintaining appearances that meant absolutely nothing. I wanted the life I lived to be genuine...even if it looked like a total mess on the outside. I dove in head first and made some serious adjustments. I'm still so far from where I need to be, and my life still looks like a mess from the outside. But you know what? I'm okay with that because I know God is working in my heart to make me exactly what He wants me to be! I'm continually praying that I won't fall from grace again but will instead be confident standing in His grace.


"And in this I give advice: It is to your advantage not only to be doing what you began and were desiring to do a year ago; but now you also must complete the doing of it..." 2 Corinthians 8:10


Wow. This one hit me right between the eyes this morning. I thought back to what I was desiring to do a year ago and started going over the list in my head. Have I completed the things I started or were they empty desires with no intentions of completion? There are definitely several things that I've at least begun to complete. But there are always those nagging ideas in the back of my head that I'm waiting to accomplish "someday." My family and friends know a few of these desires and continually encourage me to make them happen. So far I've been satisfied with the excuses I've given for not accomplishing these things, but I refuse to be content with excuses anymore.


One thing I've learned in my advertising and marketing classes is that strategy is everything. To implement any new idea you need a plan--a media strategy, a marketing strategy, a creative strategy--or your efforts will be pointless. Well, I've decided I need to implement that concept into my personal life as well. I need to design a plan, focus on my strategy for the next year, and then make it happen. I'm the worst planner and organizer EVER, but I'm not letting another year go by without tackling a few of these projects.

I'm keeping it secret for now...but I'll let you know in 2012 how it's coming. :-)

Oh...and thanks for reading my rambling thoughts. I'm blessed by your comments and emails more than you will ever know.

One-One-Eleven

Well, it's 2011--the beginning of a new year and a new decade. For me, it's a year of anticipation...the year I'm hoping things will finally "come together" as I close the chapter on one of my toughest years yet.

By July, I should be a college graduate. It's hard to believe that I started back to school a whole year ago. When I think back to the uncertain, self-conscious girl that walked into those college classrooms last January, it's hard to believe that was me. In the past year I have learned so much about who I am, but most of all I learned that I actually like me! I figured out that confidence comes from actually liking yourself. Sometimes you have to make tough decisions and face uncomfortable changes to get there, but it's always worth it in the end.

With this college degree, I hope to secure a job in the advertising field. The idea of doing something that I love and that I think I actually have some talent for really excites me. The unknown is always scary to me, though, so I'm praying now that God will gently ease me into this new career. I am confident that He will put me exactly where I need to be!

I'm also anticipating a move sometime in the next several months. I'm so thankful to my parents for providing me with an awesome apartment above their house where the kids and I have been able stay while I finish school, but I'm realizing our time will be coming to an end soon. We've had our ups and downs here, but for 10 people to be living in the same place, we have done GREAT! I know the kids and I will look back on this time with really fond memories, so I'm going to try to savor our last few months here.

This month is also the anniversary of the biggest, scariest change of my life. Sometimes I'm not sure how I survived the last year...but then I look at the family and friends surrounding me, and it's obvious. I've spent the last year crying on so many shoulders (and you all know who you are). Thank you for your love, encouragement, and listening ears. I would have been lost without you!

One of the best things that came out of my struggles this past year was the rebuilding of relationships with my family...especially my sisters. When I was five years old, I prayed and prayed for a baby sister, and God blessed me with Amy Jo. Being at different stages of life, combined with other circumstances, had somehow caused me to put our relationship on the back burner. It wasn't until I was really hurting that I realized how much I needed her...and she was waiting with open arms. The blessing of our working together still overwhelms me sometimes. It's like God is letting us make up for the time we missed. I'm so thankful for the time we have together and for the things I learn by watching her. She is wise beyond her years. I love you, Amy Jo.

Estania came to America when I was 23. I remember feeling like we would never have that "sisterly bond" because we didn't live together. I watched as she got close to Amy Jo and felt like I was missing out. I just assumed we would never relate to each other on that level. Well, here I am living above her and getting to know her in a totally new way. We can girl talk and giggle and share make-up and clothes. I feel just as close to her as I do Amy Jo, and I learn just as much by watching her. I am so proud of the confident, beautiful girl she has become. I'm also very thankful for her willingness to help me with the kids anytime I need her. And I'm so thankful to God for providing us with an atmosphere to cultivate our relationship. I love you, and I'm so proud of you, Estania! Good stuff can come out of difficult circumstances!

"I thank my God every time I remember you..." Philippians 1:3

Looking forward to the new things God will teach me in 2011!

"Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland." Isaiah 43:18-19

He Paid for My Mess

Nothing can change who I am in Christ. Think about that. NOTHING can change who I am in CHRIST.

Sometimes I struggle with the idea of being a statistic. I'm one of those women who swore it wouldn't happen to me. But here I sit--a divorced, single mom. It's hard for me not to place my identity in that. I wanted to give up on my dreams when everything fell apart for me. I wanted to hang my head in shame and walk a pathway of pity and brokenness. I wanted to give up on myself...because I had failed.

In 2 Corinthians, Paul talks about his weaknesses as a thorn in the flesh.

"But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." (2 Corinthians 12:9-10)

I believe one of the thorns in my flesh for the rest of my life will be the fact that I'm divorced. It will follow me wherever I go. To some, I may not appear to be as "spiritual" as I once was. To others, I may not be qualified to hold certain leadership positions. When I look at myself, all I see is one gigantic mess. My failures, that I assume will define who I am, threaten to steal my joy.
 
But when my heavenly Father looks at me, he doesn't see me the way you may see me. He doesn't see me the way I see myself. He doesn't see my failed marriage. He doesn't see me as the exhausted mom who yells at her kids. He doesn't see my mistakes. He doesn't see any of the poor choices I make on a daily basis.
 
Do you know what He sees when He looks at me? He sees my Saviour, His very own Son, hanging on a cross to pay for my mess. The blood He shed on that cross covers me...past, present, and future. If I choose to live in shame and pity for the rest of my life, all that does is devalue the sacrifice my Heavenly Father provided for me!
 
In Romans, Paul talks about his struggle with sin.
 
"I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do." (Romans 7:15)
 
I'm certain that all of us would admit to having this same struggle. It's a daily battle for me! I'm learning, though, that it's not so much about whether we make the right choice every time. Of course, God desires for us to make choices that honor Him. There's no question about that.
 
But when it comes down to it and I make a bad decision or I fail at something, I don't think God is very concerned with my failure. I honestly believe God is more interested in what I do next.
 
Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit of life set me free from the law of sin and death. For what the law was powerless to do in that it was weakened by the sinful nature, God did by sending his own Son in the likeness of sinful man to be a sin offering. (Romans 8:1-3)

God sent His son to free me from the law, but in order to be free I have to live like I'm free! A prisoner doesn't get out of jail and lock himself in his house, yet as a Christian I spend so much time living as a prisoner. I beat myself over the head every time I fall. I struggle to get back up.

I've realized I can't live a dejected life because I'm divorced. I can't spend the rest of my life trying to fix my mess. God fixed it at all at the cross. Now all I have to do is bask in the freedom and security He has showered on me! I'm making an intentional step today. I'm done diminishing the value of the cross. I'm going to break free from the prison I've created for myself and live the life of JOY God intended.

Lesson #2 from Haiti...

Have you ever sensed God speaking to your heart and telling you to do something? When I was in third grade, my mom and dad told us we were moving from Ohio to Wisconsin because they felt like that's what God wanted. I remember asking how God spoke to them, and my mom explained that he "spoke to their hearts."

I didn't understand it until I was older, but I get it now. It's kind of like a tugging deep down in my heart...something I typically try to ignore at first. I felt this tug over a year ago when my sister was planning a trip to Haiti. She organized a family mission trip, and I knew I was supposed to go. I sensed it so strongly that I bought a plane ticket. But guess what I did at the last minute! I chickened out! As the trip drew near, I got nervous. I didn't know if it would be safe. I had four kids to think about. I didn't have the rest of the money I needed for a passport or the accommodations in Haiti. Oh, trust me....I came up with plenty of excuses.

And I didn't go.

So what...right? What's the big deal?

Well, after going to Haiti in November, I realized that the result of a trip like that isn't a feeling of satisfaction. It's not about patting ourselves on the back for helping a few Haitians with building projects. It's not about congratulating ourselves on the 40 pounds of soap we were able to pass out. It's not about feeling good because we did a good deed.

No. For me, this trip was about what God taught me!

Those sweet Haitian children showed me what pure joy is all about. They giggled and laughed and didn't seem to have a care in the world.

The two pastors we worked with demonstrated pure unselfishness. They spend all of their extra time and money helping others, while they themselves are barely scraping by.

Sweet Dieney (our 12-year-old translator) taught me that I shouldn't call people crazy ("because it says that in the Bible") and that I should be happy with my fair complexion because God made me this way. (This was after Amy Jo and I mentioned that we wanted to stay in the sun so we could be dark like him.)

So, what's the big deal about not going last summer? Now that I've been to Haiti, I've realized that I missed out on some serious blessings God probably had in store for me on that trip. Because I allowed the enemy to get in my head and discourage me, I totally missed out. And even though I've experienced Haiti now, I'll never be able to get that trip with my family back. It's over and done, and I missed it.

I never want to let that happen again! I pray that my heart will always be sensitive to God's leading. I don't ever want to miss His call or the blessings he has in store when I obey that call.

What about you? Is there something God is calling you to do but you're making excuses for why it can't be done? If God's calling you, there is a way. Feel that tug and follow Him. I promise you won't regret it.

Lesson #1 from Haiti...

As we worked in the village of Boudet in Criox-des-Bouquet, Haiti, the girls of the group decided to wander into the field to take some pictures. Amy Jo, Estania, Morgan, and I chatted excitedly as we walked toward the tall grass with the beautiful mountainous backdrop. As we jumped and posed (with Ben watching from the house, since he wouldn't let us out of his sight), some Haitian boys wandered up. We began to speak to them, but little was understood between the group since we spoke very little Creole. We learned names and that was about it.

Then, a young boy wandered up to us.

"I speak English," he said. I think we literally jumped up and down at that point! We learned that he was 12 years old and attended a Christian school that taught English. As we chatted with him about his life and family, we tried to include the other boys in the conversation.

"Mwen grangou!" The oldest Haitian looked at us with frustration because we didn't understand what he said. I turned to Dieney, our new English-speaking Haitian friend, and asked what this man had said.

"He say he hungry," Dieney explained. The other three girls and I looked at each other, not knowing what to say. We knew we had some food in our backpack, but we also knew how carefully we had rationed our food for the week since we had decided to bring all of our own food and water to avoid any chance of getting cholera.

"We've got some candy!" Morgan piped up. "I'll be right back!" Morgan returned a few minutes later and passed out tootsie rolls to the five boys standing in front of us.

"Merci," they all replied. They devoured the candy in a matter of seconds, and the oldest one who had spoken of his hunger first said something else in Creole.

"What did he say this time?" we asked Dieney.

"He say this is the first food he ate all day," Dieney replied.

We hung our heads in sadness and shame.

"Maybe we can give them our peanut butter and crackers," Morgan suggested. She hurried back to the house to see what Ben thought about that idea. She returned a few minutes later with the food in her hands. The Haitians' eyes lit up at the sight of the simple snack we had brought.

"Merci!" We heard the word over and over as they divided the crackers among themselves. Morgan tried to explain to them that they could put the peanut butter on the crackers, but Dieney explained that their hands were dirty. After running to the house one more time, Morgan returned with some hand sanitizer. The boys all washed their hands and began to dip the crackers in the peanut butter. No one hogged it. No one pushed to get more. No one yelled. They quietly shared the snack and continually repeated the Creole word for thank you...Merci.

I thought about all the times my kids have fought over snacks--everyone wanting the last bite, the biggest half, the best snack. In front of me stood five boys who probably rarely had three meals a day (maybe not even one!), and they shared like they had a gourmet meal waiting at home. As Americans, our "stuff" has made us a greedy nation. The more we get, the more we want. It made me sick to realize I have contributed this attitude in my own kids. "Stuff" isn't the answer. I saw proof of that in Haiti. The people there have absolutely nothing, but they are still happy. Joy radiates from their faces...a joy that can only come from the Lord. If I could somehow train my kids to base their happiness on that inner joy rather than the outer "stuff", I believe my family would be much more content. The problem with this is that I don't always have that joy in my own life, so how can I pass it on to them? I'll never get it perfect as long as I live in this world, but I will be praying for that joy on a daily basis now. 

"Not that I speak in regard to need, for I have learned in whatever state I am, to be content." Phil. 4:11

"Now may the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, that you may abound in hope by the power of the Holy Spirit..." Romans 15:13

Information VS Transformation

Have you ever had one of those days where God spoke to you in so many ways that you couldn't ignore Him? The random reminders from my weekend have led me to this empty screen with the cursor blinking in front of me. My head is full of so many thoughts with so little organization. So before I go any further, I am asking God to speak through me.

Lord, give me the words to share my heart with clarity. Give me the courage to be vulnerable and the wisdom to voice what You have laid on my heart.

I spent the weekend with my best friend who recently moved to Dothan, three hours away. I was blessed to worship with her family at their new church and listened to very inspiring lessons in their Life Groups and in the church service. The first thing that snatched me up from my daydreaming was when Brother Van said, "We're not here for information. We're here for transformation." Wow. How many of us can really say we go to church to be transformed? How many of us sit in the pews and jot down a few notes so we can say we listened without ever taking to heart what God has spoken? I know I'm guilty of that sometimes most of the time. I'm tired of going to church to play the role of "Christian." I think we have enough people trying out for that part in the Play of Life. I'd like to be different.

So how can we do that? First of all, what would set us apart and make us stand out as someone who really comes to church looking for transformation? And then, how do we get there? Brother Van clarified this for me. We have to invest in people. SPLASH is the acronym he shared. Show People Love And Share Him. If I want to be transformed I have to make it a point to love people, even when it's hard. I think the only way to do that is to pray for a transformation in our hearts--not just once, but on a daily basis! I am going to beg God to change my heart. I feel like I've wasted so much time investing in things that don't matter. I sometimes spend hours on Facebook, when I could be out connecting with someone face-to-face and making a difference in someone's life. I'm praying God will change me from the inside out, starting with my heart. When my heart has changed, my actions will reflect those changes.

I am the first one to call others out on this subject of actions matching up with words, and I've discovered I'm just as guilty of this discrepancy. I spend so many Sundays in church, but very few of them are more than informational meetings for me. I gather information that I can file away in my head, but how often am I letting these things soak into my heart? If I'm honest, it's not very often. I can make it seem like I've absorbed the information, but I think that's because I've gotten pretty amazing at acting. Maybe I should move to Hollywood and get a role on the big screen playing a Christian. :-)

So my resolution is to start from here and make a change. I want to be transformed, and I want to invest in people. I could wallow in regret over the time I've already wasted, but that will only waste more time! Like the Addison Road song says, "Every moment is a second chance at starting over." So this is my moment and this is my new start.

September Randomness

Tonight I have so many things on my heart that need to be documented. There will be no rhyme or reason to this post...just random thoughts I've had today.

First, I thought today about all the "unknowns" I've conquered this past year:

1. God gave me peace and courage to change a situation I felt was out of my control. Divorce is definitely not part of God's perfect will for anyone, but His grace is sufficient to carry me through it. I am now a statistic (something I wanted to avoid at all costs), but God's peace surpasses all understanding. Along with this came the unknown of being a single mom. That's probably the most unglamorous stereotype I've ever been labeled, but I wear it proudly. My kids are the one (or four, if you want to get technical) thing that keeps me willing to face unknowns.

2. I stepped out into the unknown world of university life! I've put this off for so long simply because I was nervous about being one of those obnoxious "older" students.I'm pretty sure I've succeeded at fooling everyone into believing I'm just a "normal" student. And I really love college! (Although, I'm ready to finish ASAP.)

3. I re-entered the working world and added the unknown insurance world to my list of conquerables. If someone had told me back in April that I would know what 100/300/100 means or that I would actually be a licensed insurance producer by August, I don't think I would have believed them. God has blessed me with an incredible job, working with amazing people (including my sister).

4. I drove to Atlanta with my four munchkins and conquered the unknown of traveling alone with four grumpy kids! :-) No, actually, they were great, and the whole trip empowered me and helped me to realize I can do this!!

5. There are many more--new elementary school, new friendships, changed friendships, emotions I've never felt before, vulnerability--you name it, I'm pretty sure I've covered it this year. If not, then I'm sure God has new "unknowns" waiting just around the corner. :-)


My other random subject deals with my precious kids. Last night was awful! (Keep reading to get to the good part.) Hunter had a rough night and didn't want to go to bed. He's a little too much like his mama and stresses out about grades if they're not all A's. I was hoping he had slept it off, but much to my chagrin he woke up just as grumpy this morning. Being a mom stresses me out! It got to the point where I literally threw my hands up and said, "I don't know what to do."

Much to my surprise, Hunter came home from school a different kid. As I was getting ready to tuck the kids in bed, Hunter said, "Mom, we should read the Bible before we go to bed." Of course, I told him that was a great idea, so he read us a whole chapter of Colossians. How sweet to hear his little voice read the Word of God as his brothers and sister listened. Even now, it brings tears to my eyes. We ended the night by singing songs together and I could only marvel at God's perfect timing. He knew I was at my wit's end...and he used my 9-year-old son to encourage me. I'm so amazed...and so thankful.

Life isn't perfect, but life is definitely good.