An open letter to my ex-husband on our anniversary...

I never imagined on that day 14 years ago when I said “I Do” that there would ever come a day when we spent October 9th not only apart, but divorced and living in different states.

But here we are, four years after our divorce, living separate lives completely “moved on” from one another. And while today holds some bittersweet memories, I can honestly say that I will never regret the years we spent together. Our marriage taught me some of the most valuable lessons I’ve ever learned.

I will never forget the way we worked so hard to build a house with our own hands and the satisfaction that came when we moved in it. Hard work definitely pays off. We’re both learning that even more with age.

I will forever remember the birth of each of our children and the way we fumbled through those early years with babies. I’m not sure how we kept our sanity with 4 little ones ages 5 and under. I will always be thankful for what a good daddy you were then and what a great dad you continue to be.

I will never forget the year we spent living 1000 miles away from our families and how much we grew up. We lived on pennies, but to this day it is the fondest year in my memory of our years together.

I will always be thankful for your patient spirit even though it sometimes drove me crazy. I’m pretty certain at times you were unusually calm just to get under my skin. But I can easily recognize it as one of your strengths.

I will never forget the joy we experienced together as we adopted our youngest son. If we had never married, who knows where he would be… Our firecracker. Our “all boy” boy. Our son who “looks just like daddy” according to the strangers we used to encounter on a daily basis. I don’t even want to think about how different his life would be without your love and influence.

I will fondly remember those times when you did everything you could just to make me happy. Even when we had no money, you found ways to surprise me with small gifts or a night away from the kids. 

I will always remember the ups and downs. The joy and sadness. The marriage that gave me a list of “must-have” items in case I ever decide to do it again.

I will never forget the heartache of broken dreams that taught me to hold loosely to the things of this world. We were young. We thought being married would make our lives perfect. But we didn’t realize we were entering the toughest battlefield on this earth.

Unfortunately, we lost that battle. But we didn’t lose the war! We will forever be connected because of the four beautiful children we parent together. It took some time, but I can finally say that we are friends and we truly work together to create a healthy environment for our kids even as a “broken” family. I am grateful for the love, the joy, the tears, and the pain… because through it all, I’ve become who I am today. And honestly, I think I’m pretty cool. :)

Sincerely,

Your Ex-Wife

Sunshine in my Soul...

Hope. My word for the week. Why?

I've realized this week that hope changes everything.

I'm a single mom. I've got four kids. I run a business (with help from two awesome business partners). I drive a car with 266, 000 miles on it. I want to help my kids pursue every dream they have which results in my forking out cash for piano lessons, voice lessons, basketball shoes, and lots of other stuff. We need a new car. Soon. We live in a GREAT apartment, but my kids want a house with a yard. They want a dog. And I want to be able to give them those things.

So what does this have to do with hope? Well, the last few weeks have been stressful for me because I had lost hope. Wedding deposits weren't coming in as quickly as I had hoped. My car needed some minor repairs. Rent was due. The kids wanted money for book fair. A good friend let me down. I dealt with a very difficult parenting issue. All of this kept weighing on my mind, and as much as I hate to admit it, I succumbed to the feeling of hopelessness. It snowballed, and I froze. I was paralyzed with fear.

That's when it hit me. Without hope, we wilt. I could feel my heart wilting this week. It desperately needed some sun. Just when I thought I might lose it, I felt the warm rays of sunshine in my soul. A bride booked a wedding. Another bride booked a consultation. Even as I typed this paragraph, another wedding inquiry showed up in my inbox.

There are so many "things" we can hope for that will let us down. If I'm sitting here waiting for a tall, dark, handsome man to come sweep me off my feet, I'm eventually going to lose hope when he doesn't show up. If I'm waiting for the day that I have no financial stress, I'm going to be disappointed. Even millionaires have financial stress... WAY worse than mine! If I expect my kids to be perfect, they're going to let me down. If I never allow myself to make a mistake, then I'm only going to disappoint myself.

The point is that I have to put my hope in something bigger. If these things that caused stress for me this week were NEVER resolved, I can still find hope in the One who never fails me. His promises are real. His love is real. His mercies are new every morning.

Don't know Him? Then you should get to know Him.

"Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we boast in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us."

Romans 5:1-5

My 13 for 2013...

2012. It's over. My initial reaction is: I DID IT! I made it an entire year as a self-employed full-time photographer! Not only did I survive, I thrived! I never would have succeeded without two awesome business partners and the support of my family and friends. Thank you to everyone who played a part in making 2012 the best year of my life so far...

Now on to 2013...

I've been writing this blog in my head for a few days now unsure of whether it would be a public post or just one for my own benefit. When you recognize some not-so-pleasant things that need to change in your life, it's not real comfortable to post it for all the world to see. Plus, vulnerability is just not my thing. Conversations with emotional undertones make my skin crawl... Unless I am the initiator... in which case I look at the wall, the floor, or anywhere other than the eyes of the person to whom I am speaking. (If you've ever had one of these conversations with me, you know what I'm talking about.) Hey...at least I can recognize this and have been working on it! :)

As much as I've grown in the last few years, I've realized some things about myself that I'd like to work on. Ironically, at least three friends have lovingly mentioned one or more of these things to me in the last few days. Here's my sign, right??

1. Tithe. 

I have been making excuses for 3 years... "I'm just getting back on my feet." "I'm a single mom." "I give when I can." LAME. Every single one. No more excuses. I already know my check this pay period won't cover my bills. (January is a rough month for photographers and this is why we have savings accounts! Lol.) I plan to tithe and trust.

2. Read through the Bible. 

I don't know how many times my mom has done this, but I know it's a lot. I haven't done it once. That changes this year. I'm reading every day.

3. Be quiet.

I need to unplug. Seriously. I don't like to hear what God has to say sometimes. It doesn't always go along with my plan. If I keep my head full of the stuff on my agenda (with the help of all my digital distractions), it's easy to drown Him out. Enough, Trisha. ENOUGH. I'm listening this year.

4. Write more.

I say this too often. I have plans for a book. I love to write poetry. Song lyrics, blogs, letters. I just like to write. But I don't take the time to do it. Once a week, I will write something.

5. Rekindle my first love.

I grew up surrounded by music. I think I sang my first solo in church at 4 years old. Piano lessons started at 5. School band started in 6th grade. My first guitar was under the Christmas tree in 8th grade. At some point, I assumed I had outgrown my musical superstar window and I kinda gave up on all of it. (The dream of being the next Alicia Keys had to die at some point. LOL!) But that doesn't mean I can't continue to grow and develop talents. Something you love so much, something that has made you who you are should never die. I'm buying a piano this year. Period.

6. Live in the moment. Listen wholeheartedly. 

This goes back to my digital distractions. I am the worst about not living in the moment because I'm afraid I might be missing out on something else. Having dinner with a friend and checking my phone constantly? Just plain rude! Talking on the phone and checking Facebook? Ridiculous! Watching a movie with my kids and texting friends? Sad! This year, I will be where I am and stop worrying about where I'm NOT. (And maybe I'll discover that I actually have a personality more interesting than a rock, right Walt?) :)

7. Invest in the ones who invest in me.

I take people for granted. Bottom line. I'm done casually ignoring the people who prove their value and loyalty over and over. If you're one of the people who always checks my oil, makes me smile over coffee, calls just to check on me, or listens while I vent about life, you're getting my attention this year. To the ones who have invested in me in the past and I've dropped the ball on our friendship, I'm picking the ball back up!

8. Develop my design talents.

I've discovered I'm pretty decent at designing stuff. I designed the album artwork for a friend whose 7th studio album will release in February. I'm so thankful that he took a chance on me! It's opened the doors to some other opportunities, and this year I'm going to learn more, design more, and take advantage of opportunities to do both. (Don't stop making music, T... I need more work!) :)

9. Live on less.

This year I want to make more money, live on less, and give more. This will require a budget. (My brother will help me with this one... Right, Nate? Lol.)

10. "Figure out what you want and learn how to ask for it."

This is a line from a movie, but I can't remember which one. (Danielle and April...help me out!) It stood out when I first heard it and I committed to work on it then, but I still struggle with this. I'm great about giving vague requests and hoping people will figure me out on their own. This year I'm going to ask for what I want.

11. Quality time.

My kids get the worst of me. The end-of-the-day, worn out, single mom. I'm going to start being intentional about the time I spend with them and start making every moment count. 

12. Discipline. Discipline. Discipline.

There are so many areas of my life where this needs to be applied. Eating healthier. Exercising more. Planning my day. Housework. Laundry. Dividing my time between tasks. Yikes. This will be tough but I'm committed to being more efficient by disciplining myself and staying on task.

13. Encourage.

I want to be known as someone who encourages others. I want to bring a smile to your face if you don't already have one. And if you do have one, I want it to be bigger when I walk away. I want to listen when you need an ear. I want to pray for you. I want your day to be better for having come in contact with me. Period.

These are my New Years' Improvements. (I hate resolutions.) :)

For this child I prayed...

For a long time, I prayed that God would allow me to adopt a child. It started when Trevor joined our family when I was 14. I had never experienced the kind of emotions I felt when he became my brother. When Estania came home from Haiti, the desire to adopt was amplified.

Of course, all mamas know that nothing tops the joy you experience after you give birth. Something so miraculous, so tiny, and so dependent on you changes your outlook on the entire world.

But it's a different kind of miracle when God chooses to make you mama to one that didn't grow inside you.

That's what my Jayden is to me--a miracle. My life changed the instant I heard about his young birthmother. Jayden literally fell into our family. We weren't actively seeking to adopt at the time. We had 3 children under 5, we were in debt up to our eyeballs, and to be honest, life was a little overwhelming. But when God opens that kind of door in front of you, the best thing to do is walk through it. So we did.

Jayden is my firecracker. He loves to challenge me and then turn around and love on me. He can make me crazy one minute and melt my heart the next. His raspy little voice got me from day one. His dark brown eyes can pierce my heart like no other. I've been in love with that boy from that November day seven years ago when I found out he would need a home when he was born. I prayed from that moment that God would allow me to be his mama and He granted me that request.

Life's answers aren't always black and white. Everything doesn't always fit into a neat little box with a pretty bow on top. We live in a sad, fallen world where we all make mistakes. Sometimes life takes us down paths we never imagined we would walk.

Because of this, we have to make choices that are tough. Choices that hurt. Choices that we wish we never had to face. We have to do the best with what we've been given under the circumstances in which we live.

I've struggled for months with one of those difficult decisions.

Since Jayden's daddy moved to Texas, Jayden just hasn't been the same. He and Daddy have been connected from day one. They've always shared a tight bond that I've loved to watch. The distance between them has affected Jayden on every level. Schoolwork became an issue. Behavior became an issue. My sweet JJ became completely apathetic. Bottom line: He missed his daddy.

As a mom, I think the most difficult decision you can ever make is to let your child go. I never anticipated that I'd have to make this kind of sacrifice yet. Jayden's not quite seven. But every time I asked God for an answer, His response was the same... Let him go. The answer came through many different channels--people, sermons, scriptures, but mostly through Jayden's sorrow.

I withdrew Jayden from school last week and cried the entire day. Every time I thought I finally had it together, I'd get that tight throat and have to hold back the tears. I'd blink really fast to keep those tears from falling. But then I realized it's okay for me to cry. No mama should ever have to do this.

Because I want what's best for my baby, I'm doing what God has asked of me. God didn't have to let me be Jayden's mom at all. I asked and He granted it. The least I can do is give Jayden back with a grateful heart and a hopeful anticipation for the future.

Jayden left this morning to start a new journey with his daddy in Pearland, TX. He'll be finishing the school year there. I couldn't help but notice the excitement in his eyes as we had dinner last night. It gave me a peace that I can't explain. Even while I sobbed into my little man's shoulder as I said goodbye, I knew I was doing the right thing. He needs his daddy right now and I'm not going to fight that. But if you wouldn't mind sending up some prayers for this mama, I sure would appreciate that.

"I prayed for this child, and the Lord has granted me what I asked of Him. So now I give him to the Lord. For his whole life he will be given over to the Lord."
I Samuel 1:27-28

Stop and Smell the Coffee...

I'm at Starbucks. That's the reason for the title of this blog. But there's more to it than that.

This place has become my haven over the last few years. My go-to place when I need to think. Or work. Or pray. Or chill. Or chat with my barista buddies.

Today, it's a combination of all of the above.

I'm doing a little editing of yesterday's wedding photos. I'm chatting with my friends here when they walk by. I'm reading some encouraging blogs. I'm taking in the delicious coffee smell that I love so much.

But above all, I'm feeling an enormous amount of gratefulness in the depths of my soul.

Three years ago, although I was living a decent life by most standards, it wasn't very genuine. I went to church primarily to socialize. I sang in the praise team because it was fun for me. I stayed in an unhealthy relationship because I was too prideful to fail at marriage. I tried desperately to make sure my life looked perfect on the outside even though it was a mess at the core. In short, my life was empty.

Two years ago, I was broken. I was hurting. I was disappointed and doubting. I was wondering how my life could ever be beautiful again after the mess it had become.

Last year, I was wrapping up the toughest year of my life as I finished school. I was wondering what my next step would be. I was praying for direction and renewed passion in my life.

This brings me to today and the reason for this blog.

It's Sunday. But I didn't go to church today.

*GASP*

I probably should have. But I didn't. Some people might think that's terrible... especially if I'm going to post a blog about it. But ya know what? My faith isn't based on religious rituals. My faith is about a relationship with my Creator. And He can meet me at Starbucks just as easily as He can meet me in a church.

And while sitting here today, I've realized that my life, while still screwed up in many ways, is more authentic than it's ever been. It's far from perfect. I still have bad days. I still seek direction and focus on a daily basis. I still question the purpose behind some of the pain I've experienced. I still deal with disappointments. I still forget (too often) how blessed I am.

In the last few days, I've realized some pretty profound truths. When you realize the pain you've experienced has made you who you are, it's easier to forgive those who have hurt you. When you stop placing unwanted expectations on others, it's easier to avoid disappointment. When you recognize that you don't deserve any of the blessings in your life, it's easier to be grateful for what you've been given.

Because I stopped and smelled the coffee today, my heart is overflowing with gratitude as I reflect on the last few years--where I've been and where I am.

This year, God has blessed me with the perfect job and the best business partners. He has provided more than I've needed to take care of my kids. He's cultivated some of the most genuine relationships I've ever had. He's given me a sense of passion and purpose in everything I do.

My life isn't perfect, but it's definitely beautiful in ways I never could have imagined.

It's genuine. And that is the reason for my thankful heart today.

God Keeps His Promises

Today is a special day for me.

Not only is it my sister's birthday (I prayed for a sister every night when I was 5 years old), but I just finished the last final exam of my college career (assuming I don't go back for my Master's someday). As I walked into my apartment the other night, I was welcomed by these pictures my kids made in Sunday School about a year ago.



Yes, they have been hanging in the same spot for a year, and yes, I have looked at them every single day. But this particular night as I anticipated the end of my college career, I actually saw the pictures. I was suddenly overwhelmed with the reality that God does keep His promises. Since that night, I've stopped to reflect on His promises in my life.

Two years ago when I was in the hospital recovering from second and third degree burns, I was given a calendar with scriptures for each day of the year. One of the verses that stayed with me was Deuteronomy 31:8.

"The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.”

God didn't promise that my life will always be easy. In fact, Jesus said the exact opposite in John 16:33.

“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”

So even though I'm guaranteed to have trouble in this world, I can hold onto the promise that my Savior will never leave me. And for the last year and a half, as I've muddled my way through the chaos of being a single mom who works and goes to school full-time, I've felt His presence every step of the way. Sometimes we walked side by side. Other times, I ran ahead and He had to gently pull me back to His side. But most of the time, He carried me because I was too exhausted to walk on my own.

The realization of how far I've come hit me today. My hope in His promises has been the only thing that sustained me over the last couple years.

What promises are you clinging to today? If you're placing your hope in the promises this world has to offer, there is nothing but disappointment waiting around the bend. Put your hope in the One who keeps His promises, and He will never leave you or forsake you. Take heart, and don't be discouraged. He has overcome the world!

Remember your word to your servant,

for you have given me hope.

My comfort in my suffering is this:

Your promise preserves my life.

Psalm 119:49-50

Where's Your Hope?

Well, I've done it again. I thought I had it all figured out. I was on top of it. I knew better than that.

Have you ever put your hope in somone who let you down? Maybe you hoped they wouldn't disappoint you. Or you hoped they would change. Perhaps you hoped they would surprise you in some way. If your story is like mine, your hopes were crushed...not once, not twice, but over and over again. Maybe it wasn't even the same person each time. But somewhere along the way, we've all been disappointed when we allowed someone else to hold our fragile hopes in their hands.

I can't figure out why I do this to myself. I know there's only one place I can put my hope and never expect disappointment: in Jesus Christ. Yet, for some reason, I look for someone tangible. I hope for a divine reassurance from earthly beings. And what's even worse is the fact that I expect a different outcome when putting my hope in the hands of people and things who continually disappoint.

I'm learning. Slowly but surely, God is teaching me to continually hope in HIM! Thanks to an amazing message series by John Blythe at Living Hope, I'm being reminded once again. The only way I'll avoid disppointment on this earth is by placing my hope in the One who provided me with a living hope.

"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! In his great mercy he has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead..." 1 Peter 1:3

This old hymn states it well:

My hope is built on nothing less
Than Jesus’ blood and righteousness.
I dare not trust the sweetest frame,
But wholly trust in Jesus’ Name.


When darkness seems to hide His face,
I rest on His unchanging grace.
In every high and stormy gale,
My anchor holds within the veil.


On Christ the solid Rock I stand,
All other ground is sinking sand;
All other ground is sinking sand.